Self-awareness

I feel sadness.

I feel sadness. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I feel sadness. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I feel sadness. 

A little weight that I’m carrying.

Where joy and lightness normally live.

It’s a little heavy.

But it’s okay.

I’m happy enough to carry a little sadness.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,294

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A moment amongst moments.

A moment amongst moments. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A moment amongst moments. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

This is just a moment amongst all of the moments.

Don’t make it heavier lifting than it need be.

Do the work that has to be done.

Do it generously and with clarity.

Just do that and then keep moving to the next moment.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,285

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Grab the baton and run.

Grab the baton and run. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Grab the baton and run. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I remember running relays when I was a kid.

I don’t think I was particularly good at it or anything…but I really liked that feeling of someone running towards me with the baton, my only job was to be ready to grab the baton, run and then cleanly hand that baton on to the next person.

Any double guessing or mucking around at the moment the baton was coming towards me was futile and, quite possibly, a dangerous distraction.

Just be ready, run in rhythm with the person carrying the baton, reach back and grab that baton and run.

Right now, I think I might benefit from this approach in my life.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,284

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Gender neutral toilets.

Gender neutral toilets. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Gender neutral toilets. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

We had a story telling event at the studio the other day and, as part of the event, the toilets were set up as gender neutral.

This essentially meant a sign on the toilet doors that covered the “Male” and “Female” with “Gender Neutral – x cubicles, x urinals”.

This was my first time being involved with creating gender neutral toilets…so I had lots of questions (which I felt kind of shy to ask, but I did anyhow…)

It all boiled down to one question really…What’s the etiquette?

Well, as I’ve understood it, it goes like this…

Everyone is welcome to use whichever toilet they like, knowing that certain toilets have urinals. Which means if you use that toilet you are comfortable seeing someone standing at a urinal or being seen standing at a urinal.

This makes total, logical, sense.

I still found it surprisingly unnerving though.

Which makes no sense.

But that really goes to show how ‘gendered’ our lives are. From very little I’ve been taught that it is ok to go to the toilet with other men around, but not with women. And that there really aren’t any other options (genders) than that.

It also raises some uncomfortable questions for me.

Do I trust men to be in the same toilets as women?

How incredibly sad is that.

Oh my.

I left the gender-neutral toilets in place on the Monday and then for the Campfire that happened on the weekend. I’m very curious to know what others think about this.

Why do it? The benefits, of course, are specifically for people who don’t identify with this narrow male/female gender identity thing. Gender neutral toilets, as far as I can tell, are a way of being inclusive, a way of saying to everyone…we don’t need you to make some grand statement about how you define your gender just because you need to have a wee – that’s your business, tell us what you want to tell us when you want to tell us. If you just want to use the bathroom, these gender-neutral toilets allow you to do that, no questions.

I’m sure there’s more than that in it all. But that’s what I can see. I really like this idea, a lot. I’m aware that, like any change, it could make people feel uncomfortable. But we need a bit of that, don’t we?

Otherwise things stagnate and the patriarchy wins, right?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,273

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Heartbreak

Heartbreak, Drawing Luke Hockley.

Heartbreak, Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self, 

Nothing soothes heartbreak.  

Only time.  

Letting it move along.  

So it isn’t so fresh.  

But when it’s alive... 

Nothing soothes heartbreak.  

Love

Luke  

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Day 1,256

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Things I cannot see.

Things I cannot see. Drawing Luke Hockley

Things I cannot see. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

There are things that I am that I cannot see.

At least not properly.

What’s ‘really’ me and what is not?

Can I know, and does it matter?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,254

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Enough.

Enough. Drawing Luke Hockley

Enough. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I’ve had enough of doing things that I choose to do because I like the bigger outcome but are actually a bit of a drag to do.

Enough already.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,250

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I know these things to be true.

I know these things to be true. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I know these things to be true. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

There are some things that I know to be true.

Just keep moving forwards, even if the step is tiny, take it.

When I’ve had very little don’t take any of my opinions seriously. Seriously. Get some sleep and then I’m allowed to reassess.

My friendships are deeper and stronger than I ever let myself believe. Hold onto that when the ocean gets rough. Because that’s a lifeline. Focusing on the undermining conversation I’m having with myself about it all is like wondering why the storm won’t rescue me.

This shall pass. Be kind and gentle as the rough bit moves through. It really will pass. Really. It will.

I know these things to be true. Writing them down and remembering them when it is a bit rough is very useful.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,238

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I can’t believe I’m back here.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m concerned that I have started repeating the same letters to you.

I sit down to write and when I think of what I’d like to write I often think…

“Oh, that again…I can’t believe I’m back here.”

It’s one of the more disconcerting things about this daily project.

There’s nowhere for me to hide from myself.

Here I am. Every day. Checking in.

I see patterns in myself much more clearly than I might have.

But also, sometimes I’m still lost in those patterns and can’t see any rhyme or reason to them.

I know they are repeating. I know I am back at some familiar and uncomfortable place…but don’t know exactly how I got here and what might help me get out of here.

I guess I have some more clues. I have a broader sense of what is going on. It has been about 3 years now of daily writing and it just surprises me that I am still repeating the same things with only a little bit of extra insight.

Shouldn’t I have myself all figured out by now?

Ha!

When I see that written down I get how that sounds.

Being a human is a complex, long term project.

That’s it.

That’s just how it is.

Strangely I find some comfort in that.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,225

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It’s a bit messy.

It’s a bit messy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

It’s a bit messy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The next few days are a bit messy.

I’ve got a few things that are half undone that need some love and attention…and I’m not sure I exactly have the time available to do those things and to do the things I know to do to keep myself well balanced, happy and productive.

Can I embrace it all?

Can I own the choices and find a compromise that gets me a bit of everything?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,217

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.