Sadness

Not on my feet.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am not on my feet.

I feel all disoriented, discombobulated.

I don’t understand how all the bits fit together.

I don’t get how to make sense of it all.

I just don’t get it.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,275

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Gentle steps.

Gentle steps. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Gentle steps. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Looking at things from a different view.

Literally.

Sitting and writing today from a new spot, seeing a different view as I do something I do a lot.

It’s delicate, this thing, whatever it is, that I hold…or that I think I hold.

Fragile.

Being alive. Consciousness.

Ah, what a blessing and a curse.

Joy and hurt.

Gentle steps from here.

Gentle steps.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,268

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Nebulous and sharp.

Nebulous and sharp. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Nebulous and sharp. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Life is fleeting.

The edges and shape of it are blurry and ill defined.

It is painful and joyful.

All at once.

Generous and selfish.

At the same time.

A moment crystallises and then evaporates.

Nebulous and sharp.

What next, then.

What next?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,260

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Distraction.

Distraction. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Distraction. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Distraction.

A useful technique for when things are too heavy to think about.

Not a long term strategy.

But for a moment, ok…I think.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,258

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Heartbreak

Heartbreak, Drawing Luke Hockley.

Heartbreak, Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self, 

Nothing soothes heartbreak.  

Only time.  

Letting it move along.  

So it isn’t so fresh.  

But when it’s alive... 

Nothing soothes heartbreak.  

Love

Luke  

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,256

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Being messy and real.

Being messy and real. Drawing Luke Hockley

Being messy and real. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I’m so damn proud of the people around me being so damned awesome.

Feeling things and being messy and learning about themselves and just generally being real.

It makes me feel like I can keep trying to do the same thing for myself.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,251

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The Rebel and the CEO.

The Rebel and the CEO. Drawing Luke Hockley

The Rebel and the CEO. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I am both a Rebel and a CEO.

I’ve got these two contradictory characteristics that can take me by surprise and, if not well managed, can derail me and the thing I’m working on.

The Rebel in me does not like being told what to do, or rather doesn't really like following someone else’s vision for how things might be done. I dig my heels in and find ways to resist the simplest request or most obvious instruction.

When I hit the CEO mode hard…well I become like an immovable object. I want this thing done and I want it done now. I might be prepared to negotiate how it’s done…but only for a very short amount of time, then I just want it done my way.

At my best these two-character flaws don't really get much air time. Up until now I haven’t had a name for them, but I’ve known them, or have been getting to know them. I’ve learnt how to set things up so that I feel heard and safe, I’ve learnt to make really clear choices about whether I am in a leader of a follower role and that seems to help keep me on the straight and narrow.

But when I’m tired, or hurt, or sad, or out of sorts for whatever reason…that's when things can get messy.

There are two extra, interesting things I have just realised.

My Rebel and my CEO are actually the same qualities in me acting out in different situations. My CEO is me when I am in charge, stressed and trying to get things done the way “I know” they need to be done, my Rebel is exactly the same thing…only I’m not in charge – I’m in a position of supporting someone else or there is grey around who exactly is in charge.

Also, I have realised that the Rebel and the CEO are reflections of excellent qualities that I have…at the wrong volume for the situation that I am in. They are both examples of my ability to see problems for what they are and imagine solutions that will cut through and get a result.

I really like that I’m able to do that. I really, really like it. Sometimes I’m doing it at the expense of myself and the people around me.

I like that a lot less.

A lot less.

I’m learning how to lead with kindness and how to trust the leader I’ve chosen to follow so that I can respond in a more balanced way.

The Rebel and the CEO are both outstanding characters…I just need to get better and calling on them at the right time and place.

That's all.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,247

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If it hurts.

If it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

If it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

If it hurts it can be hard to say it out loud.

I avoid it.

Think of ways around it.

Try anything…but saying it.

But if it hurts then telling someone is a really, really good idea.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,233

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I can’t believe I’m back here.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m concerned that I have started repeating the same letters to you.

I sit down to write and when I think of what I’d like to write I often think…

“Oh, that again…I can’t believe I’m back here.”

It’s one of the more disconcerting things about this daily project.

There’s nowhere for me to hide from myself.

Here I am. Every day. Checking in.

I see patterns in myself much more clearly than I might have.

But also, sometimes I’m still lost in those patterns and can’t see any rhyme or reason to them.

I know they are repeating. I know I am back at some familiar and uncomfortable place…but don’t know exactly how I got here and what might help me get out of here.

I guess I have some more clues. I have a broader sense of what is going on. It has been about 3 years now of daily writing and it just surprises me that I am still repeating the same things with only a little bit of extra insight.

Shouldn’t I have myself all figured out by now?

Ha!

When I see that written down I get how that sounds.

Being a human is a complex, long term project.

That’s it.

That’s just how it is.

Strangely I find some comfort in that.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,225

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Irrational and unreasonable.

Irrational and unreasonable. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Irrational and unreasonable. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

My response to the things that happen around me can sometimes be irrational and unreasonable.

But sometimes I am, quite reasonably, disappointed with things that happen.

But which of these two responses am I having?

How would I know the difference?

I can’t work it out.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,222

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.