Personal

I lack perfection.

I lack perfection. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I lack perfection. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I lack perfection.

I don’t know why this comes as a surprise to me.

Over and over again.

I’ve always lacked perfection.

It’s never been any different.

Would I even like how perfection felt if I did, miraculously, achieve it?

I don’t think I am actually in pursuit of ‘perfection’.

I hand sew things because I love the imperfection of it…but I do try and sew as perfectly as I can…whilst choosing contrasting fabrics and cotton that highlight any imperfections that exist.

Hmmm.

It’s imperfections in my personality that I find the hardest to manage.

I appreciate how my hand sewn imperfections can be endearing…but my quirks of personality?

I find those much harder to highlight and embrace.

Could I, possibly, highlight and embrace all the things that make me imperfect?

It sounds good in theory, but the reality…

I wonder.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,301

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I can’t believe I’m back here.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m concerned that I have started repeating the same letters to you.

I sit down to write and when I think of what I’d like to write I often think…

“Oh, that again…I can’t believe I’m back here.”

It’s one of the more disconcerting things about this daily project.

There’s nowhere for me to hide from myself.

Here I am. Every day. Checking in.

I see patterns in myself much more clearly than I might have.

But also, sometimes I’m still lost in those patterns and can’t see any rhyme or reason to them.

I know they are repeating. I know I am back at some familiar and uncomfortable place…but don’t know exactly how I got here and what might help me get out of here.

I guess I have some more clues. I have a broader sense of what is going on. It has been about 3 years now of daily writing and it just surprises me that I am still repeating the same things with only a little bit of extra insight.

Shouldn’t I have myself all figured out by now?

Ha!

When I see that written down I get how that sounds.

Being a human is a complex, long term project.

That’s it.

That’s just how it is.

Strangely I find some comfort in that.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,225

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The anatomy of a shirt.

The anatomy of a shirt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

The anatomy of a shirt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am dissecting one of my favourite shirts.

I would have mended it…but it tore in several places. The fabric has become too thin from frequent washing and wearing…so I decided to sacrifice the shirt, pull it apart and use it to make a pattern for a new shirt.

I’m grateful to this unknown person, in China, whose impressive and underpaid skill created this favourite object of mine.

In the process of gently undoing every stitch that made the shirt I’m getting to know the hands that made it.

I’m finding small decisions about hidden stitches, uncovering the order that the shirt was constructed in…wondering why, why were these things done in this way?

Some of the decisions are obvious, some are not.

In the end the effect is that of a shirt, all the bits sit where they should, and I look at it and think – shirt.

I’m enjoying getting to know this shirt that I have loved, piece by piece.

It reminds me of the process of getting to know myself.

Examining the different ways I am constructed, learning about why something about me is put together the way it is.

These processes are similar, but not the same.

Getting to know myself is a much more confronting process than getting to know the anatomy of a shirt.

More vulnerable.

Confronting.

Worthwhile, though.

I hope.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,224

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This guy.

This guy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

This guy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

This guy, sitting next to me on the plane, takes up more space than he is allocated.

Only ever so slightly more.

But more.

He is very tall. And quite broad shouldered.

And I think he maybe thinks that he is taking up the amount of space he needs…because he is quite tall and all of that.

But he’s not.

He is taking up ever so slightly more than he needs…how do I know that?

Because I am tall and reasonably broad shouldered…and I manage to fit myself into my seat without encroaching on the space of the people beside me.

This guy kind of annoys me because he thinks his comfort is more important than all of ours.

And it’s not.

It’s just not.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,184

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My body is a koan.

My body is a koan. Drawing Luke Hockley.

My body is a koan. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

My body is a koan, a puzzle, a riddle.

It’s a question that presents many possible solutions, some of which are helpful, some are self-limiting and some…well, their outcome is a mystery.

Returning to the koan every day with the intention that it is the asking of the question and the wondering about the solution that is as useful to me as solving the riddle.

Solving the riddle is great, but we don’t always get that luxury, or it can take quite some time.

So being in the question that I am in. Curious. Kind. Playful and tenacious.

That’s what it’s all about.

Which is easy to remember when I’ve solved a puzzle and very challenging to keep in focus when I haven’t!

Love

Luke

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Day 1,169

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I’ve got this.

I’ve got this. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I’ve got this. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Can I trust myself to know what to do?

It feels like the most important piece of the puzzle right now…where has this faith in my life knowledge gone?

I’d like to invite myself to bring this trust back into focus.

I’ve got this.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,159

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Get it all moving.

Get it all moving. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Get it all moving. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I want to avoid the thing that made my back feel tight and stiff…but, thing is, that’s the very thing I need to do to get it all moving again.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,154

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

A kindness.

A kindness. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A kindness. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Yesterday someone told me that they had read my Dear Self letter about The Friendship Tree.

They told me it had moved them.

I was struck by this kindness.

More and more my motivation for writing this daily letter is becoming focused on the benefits I get from this daily practice. I am clearer about what is important to me, I start the day with less ‘noise’, I’m more grateful for the incredible opportunities I have.

But my writing is public. Purposefully.

Writing to myself and letting others see that process is about my personal accountability to this project, it’s about modelling a level of self-care and self-reflection that I think might be valuable for other humans.

However, it would be disingenuous of me to say that I don’t care if the content has any value to others. I write as clearly and honestly to myself as I can…but once it is published I do also hope that the things I write about might connect with other people in some way.

When someone tells me that something I wrote moved them it feels like the circle is somehow complete. Particularly considering I wasn’t expecting or needing this feedback.

I’m grateful for this small kindness.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,142


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Remembering my dreams.

Remembering my dreams. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Remembering my dreams. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am remembering my dreams at the moment.

Which is kind of unusual. I suspect I’m always dreaming, but I rarely remember them. At the moment I’m waking up a bit through the night after I’ve had a dream and they are still with me for a while.

I’ve mostly forgotten them by the next morning.

But I have a sense of them.

I wonder why?

Is this my subconscious trying to help me with some coded messages? Or just the ‘noise’ of my brain sorting itself out overnight?

Or both.

Probably both.

It’s all part of this transition, this change that I am going through right now.

I have no idea what I’m transitioning from and too…but I can feel something is going on. That’s all I know at this point.

That will have to be enough.

Maybe I should start writing my dreams down to see if I can find any clues?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,091

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Standing on the edge of reasonable.

Standing on the edge of reasonable. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Standing on the edge of reasonable. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m standing on the edge of reasonable.

I can feel it.

I can sense the path from here to feeling sure footed again…but I can’t quite see it. I know it is there, but it still eludes me.

It’s in my peripheral, but if I try and look directly at it, it disappears.

So, I keep holding it gently until it decides to take a solid enough form for me to look at.

That’s tricky, but doable.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,089

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