Mood

A little slower.

A little slower. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A little slower. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’d like to look forward and plan my next few months a little better.

Specifically, I’d like to look at the time that I have more control over and make some choices about what I want to do with that time.

I have this picture of sitting and sewing as I listen to stories.

Simple really.

I think it requires me to take the foot of the accelerator a little though to make it happen.

It’s been a big start to the year.

I think taking things a little slower would be nice right now.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,277

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I am blah.

I am blah. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I am blah. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am blah.

It’s not a very nice way to be.

Nor is it a disaster.

It’s just a bit in between.

Blah is a nowhere land.

It's not any of the strong emotions that I have clear names for.

It’s like a version of life jetlag.

Something about the rhythm of life feels out of sync.

And I just find myself…blah.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,276

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The thing I think I need to look at.

The thing I think I need to look at. Drawing Luke Hockley.

The thing I think I need to look at. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The thing I think I need to look at is not necessarily the thing I need to look at.

Because sometimes looking very hard at the thing I think I need to look at is just a way for me to get better at worrying about the thing I think I need to look at.

At these times, I’ve learnt, the healthiest thing to do is to look at something else. Almost anything else will do.

Then the thing I think I need to look at can have a bit of time outside the spotlight to sort itself out and work out whether it really, actually, needs to be looked at.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,271

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Don’t throw the buttonhole out.

Don’t throw the buttonhole out. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Don’t throw the buttonhole out. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m learning how to sew a buttonhole.

Or, rather, I’m learning a new way to sew a buttonhole.

Originally, I kind of made it up…I did a hand version of what I had seen a sewing machine do.

It was ok…but clumsy, or I thought there must be a better way or something like that. So, I found some instructions in a needle craft book of Mum’s on how to sew a button hole.

So far it is incredibly clumsy, and I don’t like it at all.

But I think I need to persist a bit longer.

I feel like a bit of repetition will help me see if I don’t like it because I’m not familiar and skilled enough or because it is actually awkward.

Let’s not throw the buttonhole out before it’s had a chance.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,219

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I use the internet to avoid myself.

I use the internet to avoid myself. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I use the internet to avoid myself. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I use the internet to avoid myself.

I just did it then.

Endless clicking and searching, anything really, just so that I don’t have to turn up to this conversation with myself.

That’s why having this moment locked in is so great.

There is somewhere to come back to.

Something I can use as a reference point.

An agreed point of reflection.

And so…

I come back.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,207

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An unhelpful conversation.

An unhelpful conversation. Drawing Luke Hockley.

An unhelpful conversation. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m having a bit of an unhelpful conversation with myself at the moment.

Stopping myself from doing things because of how it might look to other people.

I have this habit of knowing what I want and then standing on the edge of it and not taking the action that needs to be taken to make it happen.

Letting all kinds of small logistical problems get in the way of me doing the thing I want to do.

I could really do without that kind of stagnation.

Is it a fear of doing something publicly that might not be quite right?

Of changing direction in public? Of having to explain myself to others?

I’m not sure.

But I would dearly love this unhealthy conversation to stop.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,191

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This guy.

This guy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

This guy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

This guy, sitting next to me on the plane, takes up more space than he is allocated.

Only ever so slightly more.

But more.

He is very tall. And quite broad shouldered.

And I think he maybe thinks that he is taking up the amount of space he needs…because he is quite tall and all of that.

But he’s not.

He is taking up ever so slightly more than he needs…how do I know that?

Because I am tall and reasonably broad shouldered…and I manage to fit myself into my seat without encroaching on the space of the people beside me.

This guy kind of annoys me because he thinks his comfort is more important than all of ours.

And it’s not.

It’s just not.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,184

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My limits.

My limits. Drawing Luke Hockley.

My limits. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

It is amazing how, if I choose to, I can get up at 4:20am and still function like a reasonable human for a day.

I suspect I couldn’t do this every day, not without going to bed much earlier, but for one day, when I have to get on an aeroplane and fly somewhere, then…no problems.

If you asked me one day just to get up at 4:20am and do something that I really want to do (but there are no consequences for not doing it), I think I might struggle to get up.

It seems my limits are mostly self-imposed.

Hmmm.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,171

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I’ve got this.

I’ve got this. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I’ve got this. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Can I trust myself to know what to do?

It feels like the most important piece of the puzzle right now…where has this faith in my life knowledge gone?

I’d like to invite myself to bring this trust back into focus.

I’ve got this.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,159

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Do the thing.

1153_dothething_2500_030219.jpg

Dear Self,

I woke up this morning and decided to do something different.

For a long time now, I have been frustrated with how much money I spend at supermarkets that are part of massive, ethically dubious companies.

I promise myself that I will try an alternative, but I always find myself back in the capital S ‘Supermarkets’.

Why?

When I really think about this I don’t like the answer I get.

The truth is that I like how calm and ordered they are. I like how, most of the time, I don’t really have to talk to anyone. I like how few choices I have to make.

On visits to Preston Markets, which is the kind of place I would rather imagine myself shopping, I have felt overwhelmed. How do I know who to buy cauliflower from? I mean there are at least 7 different shops selling it, how would I pick? And the people, so many people awkwardly moving past each other and getting in each other’s way. And then the conversations with the deli staff I have to have to get my filo pastry…

I have found myself deeply resistant to engaging with all these things. And that really sucks. Because I know I want to spend my money and my time in a place like the Preston Markets.

Last night, at Campfire, I set an intention for myself, something special I wanted to happen for all of us as a result of being together. I decided I wanted to welcome everyone, to remind them that they belong, but more than that…I wanted to invite everyone to welcome each other. To reach a little beyond what they might otherwise have done and help someone else feel welcomed by connecting with them in some way.

This seemed to really work. I watched that little barrier that we can put up at times get lowered. I saw people taking care of each other simply by connecting.

At the end of Campfire someone came and spoke to me and told me how excited they were that someone else had shared some of their paintings…they told me that it reminded them of a thing they always did with their sister, how they wanted to do that thing…and also how they used to play an instrument and how they felt inspired to pick it up again. We chatted about that space between the thing we want and doing the thing we want. The little habits we have that get in the way. And how in the end you just have to ‘do the thing!’.

And so, this morning when I was about to head to the ‘Supermarket’ I decided to do the thing. To go to the Preston Markets and grab the couple of things I needed. Even though it was more complex than the alternative, it was the thing I wanted. So, the complexity was worth it.

On the way there I had a thought. What if I approached this in the same way I would encourage someone to perform at Campfire? What would that look like?

For me that would mean I would lower the bar.

I decided I didn’t have to actually shop at the markets. I would just go there and get to know the place a bit better. Have a walk around and understand how it all worked.

I have to say this went very, very well.

I arrived and found that on a Sunday morning it is all reasonably calm.

I walked around and found not as many of the fruit and veg shops were open.

I walked through all of the ones that were and got a feel for the different places. They are all quite different in their tone, they seem to specialise in a particular thing.

I checked out the price of cauliflower at all of them.

Then I went and found a deli I had been to once before, walked past and got a feel for if I liked the look of it.

Then I went and did some shopping. I bought more than I thought I would (but not too much), even found a bakery for some bread. At the end of it all there were a couple of things I couldn’t find – so I went to the Supermarket and got them.

As a result, I spent 90% of my money at small businesses. That’s the thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

When I went into the big S to get the last of the things I realised that these places have been cleverly designed to wean me off interacting with staff, designed to make it easier and easier to grab things I don't really need.

Which is why I had to really consciously choose another path. One that feels better on all levels…but that takes a little effort and even a little discomfort.

Maybe some of the people at Campfire last night had this little moment when I invited them to welcome each other, I imagine someone did. Because we have been trained, largely by our choice to use social media in the way we do, to avoid actual contact with people.

I hope that what it looked like happened is actually what happened. That welcoming each other opened the door for each of the people at Campfire to feel welcomed.

Because then everyone who decided to come along, even though there were a million reasons why ‘staying at home’ was easier, did the thing.

And when I did the thing…it felt great. So, maybe, doing the thing felt great for them too.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,153

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