Lost

I am blah.

I am blah. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I am blah. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am blah.

It’s not a very nice way to be.

Nor is it a disaster.

It’s just a bit in between.

Blah is a nowhere land.

It's not any of the strong emotions that I have clear names for.

It’s like a version of life jetlag.

Something about the rhythm of life feels out of sync.

And I just find myself…blah.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,276

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Not on my feet.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am not on my feet.

I feel all disoriented, discombobulated.

I don’t understand how all the bits fit together.

I don’t get how to make sense of it all.

I just don’t get it.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,275

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

I can’t believe I’m back here.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m concerned that I have started repeating the same letters to you.

I sit down to write and when I think of what I’d like to write I often think…

“Oh, that again…I can’t believe I’m back here.”

It’s one of the more disconcerting things about this daily project.

There’s nowhere for me to hide from myself.

Here I am. Every day. Checking in.

I see patterns in myself much more clearly than I might have.

But also, sometimes I’m still lost in those patterns and can’t see any rhyme or reason to them.

I know they are repeating. I know I am back at some familiar and uncomfortable place…but don’t know exactly how I got here and what might help me get out of here.

I guess I have some more clues. I have a broader sense of what is going on. It has been about 3 years now of daily writing and it just surprises me that I am still repeating the same things with only a little bit of extra insight.

Shouldn’t I have myself all figured out by now?

Ha!

When I see that written down I get how that sounds.

Being a human is a complex, long term project.

That’s it.

That’s just how it is.

Strangely I find some comfort in that.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,225

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

I feel lost.

I feel lost. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I feel lost. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I feel lost.

Uncertain of which direction to step in.

Where has my curiosity gone?

What’s next?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,190

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Lost and found.

Lost and found. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Lost and found. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Lost and found.

Questioning things that don’t need to be questioned is a fabulously destructive habit of mine.

I avoid this rabbit hole as much as I can.

But sometimes I just see it and dive right in anyhow.

And once I do…it can be a long slow crawl back out.

Because I lose momentum.

Everything feels like a standing start.

No run up.

Finding that energy to get the engine revving from a cold start can be a bit overwhelming.

My experience is that I need some deadlines and I need to get back into things, even if it’s a bit rough to start with.

Just. Get. Moving.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,170

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

I love the rhythm of my life.

I love the rhythm of my life. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I love the rhythm of my life. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The thing about holidays is that the rhythm of my life goes all haywire.

It seems like it is ideal.

Freedom!

I can do what I want, sleep when I want, watch movies when I want, exercise when I want, eat when I want…

And that all sounds perfect, except it does not suit my constitution.

I am a creative soul who is incredibly nurtured by rhythms and structures.

I love deciding, in advance, what is important to me and then structuring my time to reflect that.

The decisions about what I will be doing when are then taken care of.

Time away from such a schedule is great, for a moment, but I tend to let go of the fundamental things that keep me balanced. Movement, writing this letter early each day, eating my meals at regular times, getting enough sleep…

Maybe I need to build a holiday rhythm? So that way I can have time away from the everyday but not lose the fundamentals?

Also, it’s nice to have a break every now and then, but the everyday is not a punishment I need to escape.

It is comforting to know that I love the rhythm of my life.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,143


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Something is different.

Something is different. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Something is different. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Something is different, and I don’t know what it is.

I feel different somehow. I feel less driven. I feel more…resigned? Or…content?

Acceptance? Is that it?

Lethargy?

Overwhelm?

Maturity?

Am I just in a holiday mood or am I losing my mojo or am I becoming deeply focused and more capable of letting go of trying to be everything to everyone?

I don’t know.

All I know is that something is different, and I don’t know what it is.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,140

Defensive, awkward and hurt.

Defensive, awkward and hurt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Defensive, awkward and hurt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am uncomfortable with someone seeing me in a way that doesn’t, in my opinion, represent my values and who I hope to be in the world.

I feel defensive and awkward and hurt.

It feels unjust.

Unfair.

It is, I can see, part of the deal. One of the ‘costs’ of doing things in the world. Of being out in public trying to make things happen.

It shouldn’t surprise me.

A person’s interpretation of something or someone is always made through the lens of their experiences in the world. None of us are ever really ‘neutral’.

Knowing all of this, somehow doesn’t make it feel better.

Truth is I just want everyone to like me.

And that is unrealistic, unlikely and unhealthy.

My job is to act in ways that align with my values and to like myself.

The rest is noise.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,139


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Failure that makes me hungry.

Failure that makes me hungry. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Failure that makes me hungry. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I fail in different ways.

I fail catastrophically. That hurts and, luckily for me, doesn’t happen very often. It’s hard to come back from. My confidence gets a knock. I start to question the fundamentals of what I am doing and why. It takes a lot of kindness to get through this kind of failure.

There’s another kind of failure.

I fail in a way that makes me hungry to do better.

I’m going through this right now.

I took on something that was just outside of my realm of knowledge and experience. I had all the ingredients to make this particular recipe…but when it came time to make the cake…I didn’t quite know how to put it all together. Lots of the pieces worked but it I didn’t have that moment when you pull the cake out of the oven and you go ‘Wow! Look at that, it’s a thing!’.

It was hard work and uncomfortable and all over the place.

But I’m not shattered (well, I was straight after it…but a good sleep fixed that) I just can’t stop thinking about what to do with this thing. How it might work. What needs to be different. What needs to be amplified. What needs to be refined. It’s so close to being good, what would really make it a thing?

I failed just enough to make me hungry to get it right.

And I care enough about the thing to stick with it and possibly make it a thing.

If I’m going to fail, then this is the kind of failure I’m up for.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,092

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

Something is shifting.

Something is shifting. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Something is shifting. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

All my edges are a bit fuzzy. I feel like I’m a bit blurry. I can’t quite see where I am standing or where I am going.

Something is shifting. Changing.

But I can’t put my finger on it. I can’t quite give this change a name. It’s happening in my periphery. Every time I turn to see it, it shifts.

I think it is time to let go for a moment.

And see what happens.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,084