Lost

Fix the damn thing.

Fix the damn thing. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Fix the damn thing. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Technology is totally amazing until it is totally shite.

Thing is, it has seduced me, you know.

It’s taken years…but inch by inch I have given over my autonomy to it.

So now, if it suddenly fails me, without explanation warning…well I’m totally stuffed.

And everything is set up now, so you buy it and pay every month for it…and there is literally no one on the other side of that transaction to help you sort out what the hell just happened.

No one.

At all.

How did we get here?

Shouldn’t someone be there to fix the damn thing when it stops working?

I mean, please!

Low level grumble about small, but significant inconvenience, over.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,352

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Driving for hours.

Driving for hours. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Driving for hours. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Does driving 1,000 kilometres change things?

I suppose it does.

Driving for hours on end gives me time to think and think and think…with-out really thinking, if you know what I mean.

I’ll let all the things move into the background.

And see what I come up with.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,319

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I am blah.

I am blah. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I am blah. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am blah.

It’s not a very nice way to be.

Nor is it a disaster.

It’s just a bit in between.

Blah is a nowhere land.

It's not any of the strong emotions that I have clear names for.

It’s like a version of life jetlag.

Something about the rhythm of life feels out of sync.

And I just find myself…blah.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,276

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Not on my feet.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am not on my feet.

I feel all disoriented, discombobulated.

I don’t understand how all the bits fit together.

I don’t get how to make sense of it all.

I just don’t get it.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,275

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I can’t believe I’m back here.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m concerned that I have started repeating the same letters to you.

I sit down to write and when I think of what I’d like to write I often think…

“Oh, that again…I can’t believe I’m back here.”

It’s one of the more disconcerting things about this daily project.

There’s nowhere for me to hide from myself.

Here I am. Every day. Checking in.

I see patterns in myself much more clearly than I might have.

But also, sometimes I’m still lost in those patterns and can’t see any rhyme or reason to them.

I know they are repeating. I know I am back at some familiar and uncomfortable place…but don’t know exactly how I got here and what might help me get out of here.

I guess I have some more clues. I have a broader sense of what is going on. It has been about 3 years now of daily writing and it just surprises me that I am still repeating the same things with only a little bit of extra insight.

Shouldn’t I have myself all figured out by now?

Ha!

When I see that written down I get how that sounds.

Being a human is a complex, long term project.

That’s it.

That’s just how it is.

Strangely I find some comfort in that.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,225

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I feel lost.

I feel lost. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I feel lost. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I feel lost.

Uncertain of which direction to step in.

Where has my curiosity gone?

What’s next?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,190

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Lost and found.

Lost and found. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Lost and found. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Lost and found.

Questioning things that don’t need to be questioned is a fabulously destructive habit of mine.

I avoid this rabbit hole as much as I can.

But sometimes I just see it and dive right in anyhow.

And once I do…it can be a long slow crawl back out.

Because I lose momentum.

Everything feels like a standing start.

No run up.

Finding that energy to get the engine revving from a cold start can be a bit overwhelming.

My experience is that I need some deadlines and I need to get back into things, even if it’s a bit rough to start with.

Just. Get. Moving.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,170

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

I love the rhythm of my life.

I love the rhythm of my life. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I love the rhythm of my life. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The thing about holidays is that the rhythm of my life goes all haywire.

It seems like it is ideal.

Freedom!

I can do what I want, sleep when I want, watch movies when I want, exercise when I want, eat when I want…

And that all sounds perfect, except it does not suit my constitution.

I am a creative soul who is incredibly nurtured by rhythms and structures.

I love deciding, in advance, what is important to me and then structuring my time to reflect that.

The decisions about what I will be doing when are then taken care of.

Time away from such a schedule is great, for a moment, but I tend to let go of the fundamental things that keep me balanced. Movement, writing this letter early each day, eating my meals at regular times, getting enough sleep…

Maybe I need to build a holiday rhythm? So that way I can have time away from the everyday but not lose the fundamentals?

Also, it’s nice to have a break every now and then, but the everyday is not a punishment I need to escape.

It is comforting to know that I love the rhythm of my life.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,143


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Something is different.

Something is different. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Something is different. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Something is different, and I don’t know what it is.

I feel different somehow. I feel less driven. I feel more…resigned? Or…content?

Acceptance? Is that it?

Lethargy?

Overwhelm?

Maturity?

Am I just in a holiday mood or am I losing my mojo or am I becoming deeply focused and more capable of letting go of trying to be everything to everyone?

I don’t know.

All I know is that something is different, and I don’t know what it is.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,140

Defensive, awkward and hurt.

Defensive, awkward and hurt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Defensive, awkward and hurt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am uncomfortable with someone seeing me in a way that doesn’t, in my opinion, represent my values and who I hope to be in the world.

I feel defensive and awkward and hurt.

It feels unjust.

Unfair.

It is, I can see, part of the deal. One of the ‘costs’ of doing things in the world. Of being out in public trying to make things happen.

It shouldn’t surprise me.

A person’s interpretation of something or someone is always made through the lens of their experiences in the world. None of us are ever really ‘neutral’.

Knowing all of this, somehow doesn’t make it feel better.

Truth is I just want everyone to like me.

And that is unrealistic, unlikely and unhealthy.

My job is to act in ways that align with my values and to like myself.

The rest is noise.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,139


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