Gratitude

Beautiful but damaged.

Beautiful but damaged. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Beautiful but damaged. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I had a bad dream last night.

A house that was haunted, but beautiful, but damaged.

We wanted to live in it.

Reimagine it.

Reinvent.

Restore it.

I felt frightened that the house was too damaged to regenerate.

But moved into it anyway.

When I woke up, I could feel the house was me.

That the haunted, damaged past was part of the beauty.

I could see that ghosts of events that happened through me are not me.

A kind piano to play,

in the corner,

sings the darkness away.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,345

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I long for New York and a Ben hug

I long for New York and a Ben hug. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I long for New York and a Ben hug. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,
I just spoke with my mate Ben, who lives in New York. It has been over a year since we spoke.

Our friendship is blessed with that comfortable ability to be at a distance without us becoming really distant.

Like all things it needs attention to keep the thread connected, it was time we spoke.

Technology has done so much damage, I know, but one of its most valuable attributes is its ability to bring the vibrancy of a New York soundscape at 7pm on a Friday into my Saturday morning  lounge room in Melbourne.

We’ve known each other since we were in our very early 20’s...We’ve reached the stage now where we are starting to notice the marks of time upon our lives. Both our physical and emotional worlds...the things to celebrate, the things to lament but also embrace.

Thinking about it now I long for New York and a Ben hug.

A barely known adventure of a city and the comfort of someone who doesn’t know the latest ‘drama’ in my life and so, therefore, knows me all the better.

Someone who has seen me ‘at it’ long enough to appreciate my small, complex, contradictory, but ever inching forwards, progress, failure and success. And a city that is the perfect back drop to long, meandering conversations about that adventure.

Randomly, many of my friends are travelling, or living, outside of Melbourne right now.

Unusually the space, this distance, helps me appreciate them more right now.

Normally this would be a moment of intense loneliness. 

Not so...

Perhaps this is a mark of some internal change, dare I say progress... 

Yes, let’s say it’s that.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,341

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Snuggle, cuddle, cold, grey, drab of a day.

Snuggle, cuddle, cold, grey, drab of a day. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Snuggle, cuddle, cold, grey, drab of a day. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

It’s a snuggle, cuddle, cold, grey, drab of a day.

Couch and books and movies and sewing and snoozing.

It’s the kind of a day where it is easy for me to get an attitude problem.

To think I don’t enjoy my life.

Which is pretty funny.

Because I love my life.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,337

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That holiday feeling.

That holiday feeling. Drawing Luke Hockley.

That holiday feeling. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

A long walk along the coastline.

A quick swim.

Sitting about at lunch. For ages.

Lounging at home.

Dinner out at a fancy restaurant.

I’d like to officially welcome that holiday feeling.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,324

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When the weight lifts.

When the weight lifts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

When the weight lifts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’ve been working through a whole bunch of things of late.

Life things.

Choices that I have.

Different roads I could go down.

Opportunity.

Which is all great. Except choices can sometimes lead to long periods of uncertainty and indecision. Which can be a bit weighty, at times.

Then, when the time comes, when the universe magically aligns and I’ve thought about things enough, from enough angles…the weight lifts.

Oh, the relief.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,306

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Nothing left to give…?

Nothing left to give…? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Nothing left to give…? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

One day, quite a few years ago, I was sitting on the step to our bungalow in our falling apart rental in Northcote enjoying a bit of sun when our cat, Mamma - who died a few years ago, came up and started rubbing against my legs.

My endless jar of honey had trained her to be brushed at the back step with a special brush…and she loved it. So, she was pretty insistent.

I was very frustrated.

I couldn’t be bothered.

I was tired and a bit over it and just wanted to sit in the sun and recharge.

Later that day, when my endless jar of honey arrived home, I complained to him about all this…

“She just kept insisting that I pat her…and I just couldn’t. I just didn’t have anything to give her!”

He looked at me, patiently and said…

“Maybe it’s not about what you’ve got to give her…”

Ahhh….of course.

This lesson, that I am deeply energised by giving what I have to other living things, comes back to me again and again.

One more reason to be grateful for the endless jar of honey in my life.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,305

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

All the things.

All the things. Drawing Luke Hockley.

All the things. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I just need to do all the things.

Be here, right here.

Imagine the future and set up the things that need to be set up to make it possible.

Be grateful for the past and all that I have because of the things, good and bad, that I have experienced.

That’s all.

I just need to do all the things.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,299

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Tucked in.

Tucked in. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Tucked in. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I remember lying in bed as a child listening to my family talk happy noise as I pretended to sleep.

I remember how safe and at home it felt to have that chaos so nearby. Not having to be a part of it but being a part of it anyhow.

A party for no particular reason other than it's a Friday or Saturday night.

I probably slept on my parent’s lap at the pub, or on the couch at my cousin’s house. Carried to the car, cuddled all the way home and then put into bed.

Tucked in.

Night.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,278

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Sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Sometimes I wonder if I am up for managing the breadth and intensity of the ideas I have for changing the world.

I feel a bit like a ghostbuster who is trying to control one of those big streams of light without crossing the stream with anyone else.

I see what needs to be changed, I have a sense of what that might look like, I imagine a way that could happen, I throw it out into the world…and I try and manage the chaos of that as best I can, doing as little damage to myself and those around me.

But I don’t always succeed.

Sometimes it hurts.

Which makes me feel like pulling back and hiding.

And I don’t know what to do with all that.

Love

Luke  

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Day 1,274

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Chosen family.

Chosen family. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Chosen family. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I spoke to my beautiful friend Billie last night.

We’d been trying to connect for weeks, without success, and then finally the stars aligned.

It’s comforting to be back with someone who knows me so well. Who loves me so deeply.

Her little boy asked if “Luke was our family?” 

“Why, yes…he is”

We are a part of each other’s chosen family.

Which is an honour for me.

A real honour.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,267

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.