Darkness

Sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Sometimes I wonder if I am up for managing the breadth and intensity of the ideas I have for changing the world.

I feel a bit like a ghostbuster who is trying to control one of those big streams of light without crossing the stream with anyone else.

I see what needs to be changed, I have a sense of what that might look like, I imagine a way that could happen, I throw it out into the world…and I try and manage the chaos of that as best I can, doing as little damage to myself and those around me.

But I don’t always succeed.

Sometimes it hurts.

Which makes me feel like pulling back and hiding.

And I don’t know what to do with all that.

Love

Luke  

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,274

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Nebulous and sharp.

Nebulous and sharp. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Nebulous and sharp. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Life is fleeting.

The edges and shape of it are blurry and ill defined.

It is painful and joyful.

All at once.

Generous and selfish.

At the same time.

A moment crystallises and then evaporates.

Nebulous and sharp.

What next, then.

What next?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,260

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

The Rebel and the CEO.

The Rebel and the CEO. Drawing Luke Hockley

The Rebel and the CEO. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I am both a Rebel and a CEO.

I’ve got these two contradictory characteristics that can take me by surprise and, if not well managed, can derail me and the thing I’m working on.

The Rebel in me does not like being told what to do, or rather doesn't really like following someone else’s vision for how things might be done. I dig my heels in and find ways to resist the simplest request or most obvious instruction.

When I hit the CEO mode hard…well I become like an immovable object. I want this thing done and I want it done now. I might be prepared to negotiate how it’s done…but only for a very short amount of time, then I just want it done my way.

At my best these two-character flaws don't really get much air time. Up until now I haven’t had a name for them, but I’ve known them, or have been getting to know them. I’ve learnt how to set things up so that I feel heard and safe, I’ve learnt to make really clear choices about whether I am in a leader of a follower role and that seems to help keep me on the straight and narrow.

But when I’m tired, or hurt, or sad, or out of sorts for whatever reason…that's when things can get messy.

There are two extra, interesting things I have just realised.

My Rebel and my CEO are actually the same qualities in me acting out in different situations. My CEO is me when I am in charge, stressed and trying to get things done the way “I know” they need to be done, my Rebel is exactly the same thing…only I’m not in charge – I’m in a position of supporting someone else or there is grey around who exactly is in charge.

Also, I have realised that the Rebel and the CEO are reflections of excellent qualities that I have…at the wrong volume for the situation that I am in. They are both examples of my ability to see problems for what they are and imagine solutions that will cut through and get a result.

I really like that I’m able to do that. I really, really like it. Sometimes I’m doing it at the expense of myself and the people around me.

I like that a lot less.

A lot less.

I’m learning how to lead with kindness and how to trust the leader I’ve chosen to follow so that I can respond in a more balanced way.

The Rebel and the CEO are both outstanding characters…I just need to get better and calling on them at the right time and place.

That's all.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,247

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

When the power goes out.

When the power goes out. Drawing Luke Hockley.

When the power goes out. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

What do I do when the power goes out? 

It’s most disconcerting.  

I feel disoriented  

I’m watching the charge on my phone like a hawk.  

What will happen when it is gone?  

Even with candles on night time feels more like night time.

And tiredness settles in.  

Sooner.

Yawn... 

Love

Luke.  

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,235

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

I can’t believe I’m back here.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can’t believe I’m back here. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m concerned that I have started repeating the same letters to you.

I sit down to write and when I think of what I’d like to write I often think…

“Oh, that again…I can’t believe I’m back here.”

It’s one of the more disconcerting things about this daily project.

There’s nowhere for me to hide from myself.

Here I am. Every day. Checking in.

I see patterns in myself much more clearly than I might have.

But also, sometimes I’m still lost in those patterns and can’t see any rhyme or reason to them.

I know they are repeating. I know I am back at some familiar and uncomfortable place…but don’t know exactly how I got here and what might help me get out of here.

I guess I have some more clues. I have a broader sense of what is going on. It has been about 3 years now of daily writing and it just surprises me that I am still repeating the same things with only a little bit of extra insight.

Shouldn’t I have myself all figured out by now?

Ha!

When I see that written down I get how that sounds.

Being a human is a complex, long term project.

That’s it.

That’s just how it is.

Strangely I find some comfort in that.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,225

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

The anatomy of a shirt.

The anatomy of a shirt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

The anatomy of a shirt. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am dissecting one of my favourite shirts.

I would have mended it…but it tore in several places. The fabric has become too thin from frequent washing and wearing…so I decided to sacrifice the shirt, pull it apart and use it to make a pattern for a new shirt.

I’m grateful to this unknown person, in China, whose impressive and underpaid skill created this favourite object of mine.

In the process of gently undoing every stitch that made the shirt I’m getting to know the hands that made it.

I’m finding small decisions about hidden stitches, uncovering the order that the shirt was constructed in…wondering why, why were these things done in this way?

Some of the decisions are obvious, some are not.

In the end the effect is that of a shirt, all the bits sit where they should, and I look at it and think – shirt.

I’m enjoying getting to know this shirt that I have loved, piece by piece.

It reminds me of the process of getting to know myself.

Examining the different ways I am constructed, learning about why something about me is put together the way it is.

These processes are similar, but not the same.

Getting to know myself is a much more confronting process than getting to know the anatomy of a shirt.

More vulnerable.

Confronting.

Worthwhile, though.

I hope.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,224

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Frustrating dreams.

Frustrating dreams. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Frustrating dreams. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The last two nights I’ve had frustrating dreams.

Dreams where I am caught between things.

Trying to pack to get to an aeroplane…but the room I’m in is a mess and taking me ages to clean up and the people around me keep interrupting and I have no idea who exactly is coming to pick me up and when they are coming and if they will arrive in time to get me there and if I will be ready by the time they arrive…

At the launch of a new dance company that I am involved in, but it’s not quite clear how I am involved, and the event has been hijacked by another ‘board member’ and they are doing all kinds of things that are completely irrelevant and everyone is becoming bored and about to leave…I finally ‘take over’ and start getting the thing on track but I don’t know what my job is (am I the choreographer? Or?) and so I have no idea what to say to everyone…

I like to think of my dreams as my subconscious working through something…

What am I working through?

What am I frustrated by? What am I trying to get ready for? What role do I want that I don’t quite have?

Are these dreams trying to tell me something, or not?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,175

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

My body is a koan.

My body is a koan. Drawing Luke Hockley.

My body is a koan. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

My body is a koan, a puzzle, a riddle.

It’s a question that presents many possible solutions, some of which are helpful, some are self-limiting and some…well, their outcome is a mystery.

Returning to the koan every day with the intention that it is the asking of the question and the wondering about the solution that is as useful to me as solving the riddle.

Solving the riddle is great, but we don’t always get that luxury, or it can take quite some time.

So being in the question that I am in. Curious. Kind. Playful and tenacious.

That’s what it’s all about.

Which is easy to remember when I’ve solved a puzzle and very challenging to keep in focus when I haven’t!

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,169

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Just outside my reach.

Just outside my reach. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Just outside my reach. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Something is going on that is just outside my reach.

I feel sad. I feel totally fine. I feel grateful for my life. I feel inspired by the choices I have. I feel overwhelmed by the choices I have. I feel uncertain. I feel unclear. I feel stuck. I feel weighted down. I feel worried. I feel in the middle. I feel surprisingly inspired by things that don’t usually inspire me. I feel confused.

Perhaps it is just ‘transition’ that I am experiencing?

But from what?

And to where?

When did it start? How far through it am I? When will it end?

All the answers are sitting ‘just there’…but I can’t quite grasp them.

I think I need to keep moving on anything I can keep moving on and then be patient.

That’s the best I’ve got.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,167

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Slow. Kind. Gentle.

Slow. Kind. Gentle. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Slow. Kind. Gentle. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

How is it possible for the things I know to evaporate so quickly?

How do I find myself back at square one, relearning the things I have already learnt?

Slow. Kind. Gentle.

That’s all I can say about it.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,161

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.