Chaos

Certainly unexpected.

Certainly Unexpected. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Certainly Unexpected. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Life is certainly unexpected. 

It seems like things are travelling in one direction...and then the wind changes and things are heading on a totally different course.  

That’s all.  

Love  

Luke.  

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Day 1,280

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Not on my feet.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Not on my feet. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I am not on my feet.

I feel all disoriented, discombobulated.

I don’t understand how all the bits fit together.

I don’t get how to make sense of it all.

I just don’t get it.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,275

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Sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Sometimes I wonder if I am up for managing the breadth and intensity of the ideas I have for changing the world.

I feel a bit like a ghostbuster who is trying to control one of those big streams of light without crossing the stream with anyone else.

I see what needs to be changed, I have a sense of what that might look like, I imagine a way that could happen, I throw it out into the world…and I try and manage the chaos of that as best I can, doing as little damage to myself and those around me.

But I don’t always succeed.

Sometimes it hurts.

Which makes me feel like pulling back and hiding.

And I don’t know what to do with all that.

Love

Luke  

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Day 1,274

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Nebulous and sharp.

Nebulous and sharp. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Nebulous and sharp. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Life is fleeting.

The edges and shape of it are blurry and ill defined.

It is painful and joyful.

All at once.

Generous and selfish.

At the same time.

A moment crystallises and then evaporates.

Nebulous and sharp.

What next, then.

What next?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,260

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The Rebel and the CEO.

The Rebel and the CEO. Drawing Luke Hockley

The Rebel and the CEO. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I am both a Rebel and a CEO.

I’ve got these two contradictory characteristics that can take me by surprise and, if not well managed, can derail me and the thing I’m working on.

The Rebel in me does not like being told what to do, or rather doesn't really like following someone else’s vision for how things might be done. I dig my heels in and find ways to resist the simplest request or most obvious instruction.

When I hit the CEO mode hard…well I become like an immovable object. I want this thing done and I want it done now. I might be prepared to negotiate how it’s done…but only for a very short amount of time, then I just want it done my way.

At my best these two-character flaws don't really get much air time. Up until now I haven’t had a name for them, but I’ve known them, or have been getting to know them. I’ve learnt how to set things up so that I feel heard and safe, I’ve learnt to make really clear choices about whether I am in a leader of a follower role and that seems to help keep me on the straight and narrow.

But when I’m tired, or hurt, or sad, or out of sorts for whatever reason…that's when things can get messy.

There are two extra, interesting things I have just realised.

My Rebel and my CEO are actually the same qualities in me acting out in different situations. My CEO is me when I am in charge, stressed and trying to get things done the way “I know” they need to be done, my Rebel is exactly the same thing…only I’m not in charge – I’m in a position of supporting someone else or there is grey around who exactly is in charge.

Also, I have realised that the Rebel and the CEO are reflections of excellent qualities that I have…at the wrong volume for the situation that I am in. They are both examples of my ability to see problems for what they are and imagine solutions that will cut through and get a result.

I really like that I’m able to do that. I really, really like it. Sometimes I’m doing it at the expense of myself and the people around me.

I like that a lot less.

A lot less.

I’m learning how to lead with kindness and how to trust the leader I’ve chosen to follow so that I can respond in a more balanced way.

The Rebel and the CEO are both outstanding characters…I just need to get better and calling on them at the right time and place.

That's all.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,247

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Every precious moment.

Every precious moment. Drawing Luke Hockley

Every precious moment. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I know, I know it is such an outrageous cliché…but at the moment I am intensely aware of every precious moment that I have.

I’m curious about how to both be light and not let anything slip through my fingers.

How to experience everything, but not strangle it with a focus that is too intense.

Life is a gift. I want to experience that gift, but not spend nights sleepless around what I am experiencing.

There is something important going on for me about living it to the full in the day time and then sleeping soundly each evening.

I sleep much better than I used to. But I notice that when I am deep in a new adventure, when I am learning and discovering something about the world and how I want to be in it, that I can get restless at night.

I’d like to live my life to its edges. Which means hitting the pillow and sleeping soundly.

I think that’s my new goal.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,246

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I hope so.

I hope so. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I hope so. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Do I have the courage to deal with the things that I would like to deal with?

The things that no one else can see.

Can I love and care for and believe in myself enough to take the time and space to heal myself?

I hope so.

I really do.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,195

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I feel lost.

I feel lost. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I feel lost. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I feel lost.

Uncertain of which direction to step in.

Where has my curiosity gone?

What’s next?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,190

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Frustrating dreams.

Frustrating dreams. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Frustrating dreams. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The last two nights I’ve had frustrating dreams.

Dreams where I am caught between things.

Trying to pack to get to an aeroplane…but the room I’m in is a mess and taking me ages to clean up and the people around me keep interrupting and I have no idea who exactly is coming to pick me up and when they are coming and if they will arrive in time to get me there and if I will be ready by the time they arrive…

At the launch of a new dance company that I am involved in, but it’s not quite clear how I am involved, and the event has been hijacked by another ‘board member’ and they are doing all kinds of things that are completely irrelevant and everyone is becoming bored and about to leave…I finally ‘take over’ and start getting the thing on track but I don’t know what my job is (am I the choreographer? Or?) and so I have no idea what to say to everyone…

I like to think of my dreams as my subconscious working through something…

What am I working through?

What am I frustrated by? What am I trying to get ready for? What role do I want that I don’t quite have?

Are these dreams trying to tell me something, or not?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,175

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It’s joy, it’s full, it’s everything.

It’s joy, it’s full, it’s everything. Drawing Luke Hockley.

It’s joy, it’s full, it’s everything. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

It’s joy, it’s full, it’s everything...it’s Christmas.  

Breakfast sun and toasted cheese and a cup of tea. The ovens on and family messages. Asparagus, carrots, zucchini, potatoes and beans, oh and red onions. And all that meat. Cooked perfectly. Under cooked. Just cooked. Over cooked. Done and done. And piles of food and family and visitors and champagne drinks and gin and tonic. 

More plates of food and cups of tea and laughter under the old peppercorn tree (or at least underneath the place where it used to be.) 

A game of cards and taking a teenager for a spin on their newly minted L plates. A walk in the park with the dogs. Half an hour of some crap old movie. One more pile of dishes, move the tables, sweep the floor...one more cup of tea and an Aunty Dot’s biscuit, just squeezed them in, just.

And then bed. Surely. Bed. 

Yes. Bed. And a merry, merry Christmas.  

Love  

Luke.  

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Day 1,113


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