Change

Cold air.

Cold air. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Cold air. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The air this morning has that ‘just blown off the snowy mountains’ feel to it.

And I haven’t even been outside yet.

Winter is here. It seemed to take a while arrive this year.

I couldn’t get myself out of bed this morning and yesterday I didn’t feel like exercising. It can be hard to get moving when it is this chilly.

I did, however, get going. I went for a run in the cold air yesterday and, of course, it was great.

A fresh blast to get the day moving.

Now I just have to get myself off the couch and out of the house.

No worries!

Love

Luke

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Day 1,289

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Fingers crossed.

Fingers crossed. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Fingers crossed. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

A picture is emerging.

Slowly but with a certain clarity and purpose, it is unveiling itself.

I don’t want to call it too early, don’t want to jinx things…but I can feel something is forming.

Fingers crossed.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,287

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Certainly unexpected.

Certainly Unexpected. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Certainly Unexpected. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Life is certainly unexpected. 

It seems like things are travelling in one direction...and then the wind changes and things are heading on a totally different course.  

That’s all.  

Love  

Luke.  

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Day 1,280

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Sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Sometimes it hurts. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Sometimes I wonder if I am up for managing the breadth and intensity of the ideas I have for changing the world.

I feel a bit like a ghostbuster who is trying to control one of those big streams of light without crossing the stream with anyone else.

I see what needs to be changed, I have a sense of what that might look like, I imagine a way that could happen, I throw it out into the world…and I try and manage the chaos of that as best I can, doing as little damage to myself and those around me.

But I don’t always succeed.

Sometimes it hurts.

Which makes me feel like pulling back and hiding.

And I don’t know what to do with all that.

Love

Luke  

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Day 1,274

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Gender neutral toilets.

Gender neutral toilets. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Gender neutral toilets. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

We had a story telling event at the studio the other day and, as part of the event, the toilets were set up as gender neutral.

This essentially meant a sign on the toilet doors that covered the “Male” and “Female” with “Gender Neutral – x cubicles, x urinals”.

This was my first time being involved with creating gender neutral toilets…so I had lots of questions (which I felt kind of shy to ask, but I did anyhow…)

It all boiled down to one question really…What’s the etiquette?

Well, as I’ve understood it, it goes like this…

Everyone is welcome to use whichever toilet they like, knowing that certain toilets have urinals. Which means if you use that toilet you are comfortable seeing someone standing at a urinal or being seen standing at a urinal.

This makes total, logical, sense.

I still found it surprisingly unnerving though.

Which makes no sense.

But that really goes to show how ‘gendered’ our lives are. From very little I’ve been taught that it is ok to go to the toilet with other men around, but not with women. And that there really aren’t any other options (genders) than that.

It also raises some uncomfortable questions for me.

Do I trust men to be in the same toilets as women?

How incredibly sad is that.

Oh my.

I left the gender-neutral toilets in place on the Monday and then for the Campfire that happened on the weekend. I’m very curious to know what others think about this.

Why do it? The benefits, of course, are specifically for people who don’t identify with this narrow male/female gender identity thing. Gender neutral toilets, as far as I can tell, are a way of being inclusive, a way of saying to everyone…we don’t need you to make some grand statement about how you define your gender just because you need to have a wee – that’s your business, tell us what you want to tell us when you want to tell us. If you just want to use the bathroom, these gender-neutral toilets allow you to do that, no questions.

I’m sure there’s more than that in it all. But that’s what I can see. I really like this idea, a lot. I’m aware that, like any change, it could make people feel uncomfortable. But we need a bit of that, don’t we?

Otherwise things stagnate and the patriarchy wins, right?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,273

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Things I cannot see.

Things I cannot see. Drawing Luke Hockley

Things I cannot see. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

There are things that I am that I cannot see.

At least not properly.

What’s ‘really’ me and what is not?

Can I know, and does it matter?

Love

Luke

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Day 1,254

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Every precious moment.

Every precious moment. Drawing Luke Hockley

Every precious moment. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

I know, I know it is such an outrageous cliché…but at the moment I am intensely aware of every precious moment that I have.

I’m curious about how to both be light and not let anything slip through my fingers.

How to experience everything, but not strangle it with a focus that is too intense.

Life is a gift. I want to experience that gift, but not spend nights sleepless around what I am experiencing.

There is something important going on for me about living it to the full in the day time and then sleeping soundly each evening.

I sleep much better than I used to. But I notice that when I am deep in a new adventure, when I am learning and discovering something about the world and how I want to be in it, that I can get restless at night.

I’d like to live my life to its edges. Which means hitting the pillow and sleeping soundly.

I think that’s my new goal.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,246

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

Boredom is like anger.

Boredom is like anger. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Boredom is like anger. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The boring bits are the hardest part.

When I am making something it’s easy to do the exciting, interesting, fun bits.

The bits where it feels like something is happening, or at least it feels like I am making progress…or even when there is some great struggle to be had.

The in-between bits, that’s what gets me.

It’s hard to see that any of the effort is worth it when I am bored and nothing much seems to be happening.

I suppose boredom is hard to interpret in a creative process.

Does it mean things aren’t working and that it is time to change something? Or are things about to all click into place and something amazing is about to happen?

I feel like boredom is like anger. It is an emotion that is a front for something else altogether.

But what, I wonder?

Restless, shifting, in transition, searching, uncertain, curious, contemplative.

Yes, I’m wondering what’s next.

I think that’s it.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,232

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My body has things to say...

My body has things to say. Drawing Luke Hockley.

My body has things to say. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I don’t like to think of my body as something separate to my mind. I find thinking/talking in this way reinforces the idea that my body and my mind are somehow “separate” and have the option to operate independently of each other.  

That’s why I have personally stopped using ‘mind’ and ‘body’ as much as possible...replacing them with the idea of  ‘thinking’ and ‘movement’. The body and the mind are both always involved in some way with any thinking or movement that I do. 

With that established I have to acknowledge the ‘body’ part of me (because it is true that I have a body! Just happens that it includes my brain) sometimes has things going on that my ‘thinking’ can’t compute or make sense of. 

Take last night.  

I’ve had a great few days. I’m feeling much more myself. Much more connected and coordinated. Joyful to find myself so...and then, chilling out watching TV I started to feel anxious, stressed even.  

This was one of those perfect storms that make sense from a distance...but are pure chaos in the midst of it all. I’ve got my birthday coming up, I probably had too many cups of tea in the afternoon, lots of exciting conversation at the end of the day, the anniversary of something significant, work is very busy... 

At any rate, my subconscious was talking to me through my body (or movement) and feeling this way was totally unexpected.  

Strangely...though uncomfortable, it was also good. 

I listened, did a few simple things and watched the wave pass through me.  

And then it was all ok.  

I’ve been here before. My response seemed new and how quickly it all passed also seemed different.  

That’s nice. To think I might be learning how to manage myself a little better.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,204

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.

 

A good teacher.

A good teacher. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A good teacher. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

A good teacher is life changing.

My Alexander Technique and singing teacher, Chris, is a good teacher.

We have been working together for around 8 years I think.

Over my life I like to think that I have been cultivating a deep sense of knowing myself.

However, when things get all out of whack, having a teacher who knows my habitual responses (both good and bad) and who can help direct my attention towards the more useful things has been a real relief for me.  

It can short circuit days of discomfort.

Love

Luke

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Day 1,198

Show your support for Dear Self by becoming a monthly supporter of my work or by buying some stamp money. Your support means I can keep doing the things I do to make the world a better place.