I have so much to learn.

I have so much to learn. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I have so much to learn. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Campfire last night was beautiful.

Really, really, beautiful.

It had the magic of the original idea about it. It felt playful and intimate. Very special.

So why did I spend the last two weeks being worried about it. I wasn’t decapacitated, not overly stressed or anything. I was just concerned that their wouldn't be enough people to make it feel special.

I’ve been used to it selling out the last few months. Last night’s event was about half the size that it normally is. What about that worries me?

I think there are a few things. I want to have created something that people think is successful. It’s my ego, wanting people to look at Campfire and say ‘Wow, that’s amazing.’

I can get over that. That is just noise. It’s ok, I’m human…I just want to be loved and feel needed.

However, I think what was really worrying me is that I wanted the people who were coming along to have an experience they would remember. I didn’t want them to feel like it was flat, or boring, or a waste of time, or something like that.

Also, if I really think about it, I want lots of people to come and for it to be sold out and so popular because I really want this idea to spread so that lots more people can have that incredible experience of feeling like they belong.

That feeling is certainly what I had last night.

It felt like a group of friends (who mostly had just met for the first time) getting to spend an intimate night together around the Campfire. The irony is that it actually feels easier to me to manage it at this size. The bigger ones have a certain magic and momentum about them (I can’t deny that), but the more intimate ones create more space for the people who have come along to step into themselves and share their uniqueness with others (either as a performer or as a generous audience member).

When will I learn that whatever happens is perfect? When will I give myself a break and just get on with it? I mean, if people stop coming, then I’ll just stop doing it, right?

As long as someone books a ticket then it’s my job to welcome them in and let them see, and be seen by, other generous people.

Everything else is bullshit.



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Day 880

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