I have this sense of discomfort at the moment.
I find myself thinking things like…
“Somethings wrong, I’ve broken insert project name here…no one is interested, it’s not relevant, I’ve changed something, and people don’t like it…”
You get the picture.
My experience is that all my creative projects have swings and round-a-bouts.
Sometimes they are on fire, sometimes they become quiet, sometimes they need me to reignite them…
This morning I woke up and asked myself…why do I feel this sense of foreboding right now? Nothing has really changed…
Then I realised I am in the middle of building something new (I’m putting a new show together for the Melbourne Fringe Festival, or trying to put one together)…I’ve sent out a bunch of emails asking people if they want to be involved and I am in that bit where I wait for them to answer.
It is very easy to pretend that I am comfortable with rejection/failure…and in the abstract, in principle, I totally am.
But in reality?
I think that’s what this heaviness is about. I’ve put myself in a position where people I care about could say ‘no’ to me. Which is totally fine – in principle. I do not realistically expect that everyone can do everything. I understand that things do or don’t line up for a bunch of reasons…that’s logically what I know…but my feelings aren’t that logical.
I’m uncomfortable with the idea of people saying no to me when I put myself out there and make myself vulnerable.
My feelings tell me it’s because no one likes me and my stupid ideas.
I know this makes no sense. I don’t want anyone to do anything that they aren’t really able to do.
I suppose it is just a reminder that when I jump off the cliff and start building that parachute there is a bit where it is all messy and I’m not sure if I am going to make it.
And I find that bit uncomfortable.
The real question is whether I think I have people standing around to catch me at the bottom of the cliff?
Yep. I can see them down there waving at me.
It’s going to be ok.
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