Why don’t I always want what I know I want?

 Why don't I always want what I know I want? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Why don't I always want what I know I want? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

What do the things I like, my preferences, say about me?

Where did they come from?

If I like a particular kind of entertainment, or music or specific personality traits in my friends…how did all this come about?

Do I have much influence over these preferences?

What’s ‘just how it is’ and what’s ‘a choice I am making’?

Ultimately my behaviour is always my choice. I choose my behaviour based on the things I have decided are important to me.

Sometimes I like things that don’t line up with what I know I want.

I don’t even like admitting that.

I eat food that I know makes me feel bad, I addictively watch a show that celebrates people who I really don’t want to celebrate, I even get drawn to friendships with people who clash with my vulnerabilities and don’t have the qualities I deeply seek in a friend.

But in the moment, that choice doesn’t seem like a choice.

When this is exactly what I feel like right now…well, who am I to argue?

At these moments if I can just lift my head and see the whole story then maybe I can break the momentum…but I have to be honest with myself.

Maybe this strong desire for something that doesn't align with what I really want is caused by some need I have that is not being met? Safety, comfort, rest, kindness, companionship, acknowledgement…

Perhaps, when I find myself in this situation, I could ask “what need do I have that is unfulfilled?”…?

Maybe that would help?

Luke

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Day 853

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Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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