It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.
Confirming coffee with Sarah, emailing Sarah about NY, emailing Peter my apologies, laying out artwork and resizing it for tony, ordering prints of Friendship Tree – small and large, deciding on Friendship Tree jigsaw, print and bind script, check ticket sales, get helpers their festival passes, make notes on script, practice songs, revise fables, Lucy coffee, Scott coffee, fix lukehockley.com.au email, sell more tickets, create some engaging social media posts that look like I’m not trying to sell more tickets, more ideas for awesome merchandise, worry about merchandise, worry that people will think I’m some horrible pushy sales person, feel excited about merchandise, freak out about the word merchandise, cancel or confirm Nick, decide if going to the gym is a good thing or bad thing, sing, order prints of the Everything, create check list for the show, finish setting the studio up, check if helpers are coming to run on Friday, work out how to thank everyone, set up a shop on website, sort out ticket sales on new point of sale thingy I just bought, get the word out to audiences to come early for a cup of tea so we aren’t rushed at the start, be really relaxed so that I perform as well as I can, set up FB ad for Campfire, send Campfire gazette out, think about promo for the show, sort Sydney Campfire out, think about Dear Self in Sydney…
It seems like, for some reason, you got the message that getting me to sleep at 10pm (great work), giving me a restful sleep (thank you) and waking me up at 3am to think frantically about all of these things (no Self, no) …it seems you are convinced that this is the best way to handle getting everything ready for Saturday.
Once in a while I can handle an early wake up. But after 4 or 5 days it gets a little tiresome. I tried getting up and doing things, but now I am worried that you feel rewarded for waking me up and now it's a thing we do.
No, no it is not.
So today I lay in bed and continually bought myself back to the present and decided I could get up at 5:30am and not before. I kind of eventually drifted back to sleep and it was hard to get up at 6am when the alarm went off.
We need to get this sorted. Because this anxiety is not good for me. It lowers my defenses when it comes to fighting the ever-present cold that is around, it makes my voice tired, it makes me grumpy, I just don’t perform as well and I think we can all see that is counterproductive.
You are trying to help.
You want to make this thing perfect. You want to control it so that nothing goes wrong. You want people to have an experience that moves them. You want it to be successful. You want all these dreams to work.
I love you for that.
It won’t be perfect. You can’t control it. Something will go wrong. Some people will like it and some people won’t.
Maybe it will be a success. Maybe some people will be moved. Maybe all these dreams of mine will work out.
And maybe they won’t.
Waking me up at 3am every day isn’t going to help.
Sure, I might be able to get more ticked off the list, but I won’t enjoy it and I won’t keep coming back, and I might get sick and none of that is helpful.
Thank you for everything you are doing. I can see how hard you are working and how excited you are about making all this happen and just how much skin you have in the game. It's time to take our foot off the adrenalin.
We got this.
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I’m performing a reading of selected Dear Self letters in the Melbourne Fringe Festival.
Dear Self – Friendship. September 16th/23rd/30th (click the link, click the link...)