As a performer, I have noticed a few things about myself.
I want the teacher to like me.
I want my colleagues to praise me.
I want to get it right, straight away, every time.
When I don’t get it right I give up, go all floppy take a moment to reset and then come back with force.
The same thing happens when something gets physically hard. I don’t like being in physical discomfort.
I want to get rid of the giving up and going all floppy bit. I want to be able to sustain myself through that bit. Stay with myself failing at this thing. Dig deeper into it.
I am deeply grateful to have been given the chance to so kindly visit my edges. I have the raw material to work with. I feel ready to examine these questions.
But, also, I am a little concerned about myself.
I’m a little worried that I have lost the threads of what makes me a great performer. Before the workshop I was becoming more and more confident in my ability to be a human in front of other humans and share my truth.
Now I am questioning whether I have ever been able to do this at all because my Achilles heel has become so obvious to me. I thought I had dealt with this ‘seeking approval from the audience’ thing, it seems I had only dealt with part of it.
My concern is that I don’t want to lose all the good work I have done to date by becoming laser focused on my weaknesses.
How do I visit my edges without becoming obsessed with my deficiencies?
I want to be a sponge, available to feedback and information that makes me a better performer whilst holding on to my audacious belief that what I do is already powerful and has impact and is meaningful and in its own way is enough…until I choose to find more in it.
At the moment when I visit one of my edges I lose the thread of my strength.
I want to hold the thread of my strengths as I fail and rebuild and grow and change.
When I perform I am vulnerable, kind, generous and awkward. I have integrity, compassion, passion and fire.
All I have to do is hold onto that thread whilst I fail.
How hard can that be?
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