Confidently visiting my edges.

Confidently visiting my edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Confidently visiting my edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

As a performer, I have noticed a few things about myself.

I want the teacher to like me.

I want my colleagues to praise me.

I want to get it right, straight away, every time.

When I don’t get it right I give up, go all floppy take a moment to reset and then come back with force.

The same thing happens when something gets physically hard. I don’t like being in physical discomfort.

I want to get rid of the giving up and going all floppy bit. I want to be able to sustain myself through that bit. Stay with myself failing at this thing. Dig deeper into it.

I am now on the other side of a workshop with Force Majeure called Incite, which was led by Danielle Micich and Ellen Lauren.

I am deeply grateful to have been given the chance to so kindly visit my edges. I have the raw material to work with. I feel ready to examine these questions.

But, also, I am a little concerned about myself.

I’m a little worried that I have lost the threads of what makes me a great performer. Before the workshop I was becoming more and more confident in my ability to be a human in front of other humans and share my truth.

Now I am questioning whether I have ever been able to do this at all because my Achilles heel has become so obvious to me. I thought I had dealt with this ‘seeking approval from the audience’ thing, it seems I had only dealt with part of it.

My concern is that I don’t want to lose all the good work I have done to date by becoming laser focused on my weaknesses.

How do I visit my edges without becoming obsessed with my deficiencies?

I want to be a sponge, available to feedback and information that makes me a better performer whilst holding on to my audacious belief that what I do is already powerful and has impact and is meaningful and in its own way is enough…until I choose to find more in it.

At the moment when I visit one of my edges I lose the thread of my strength.

I want to hold the thread of my strengths as I fail and rebuild and grow and change.

When I perform I am vulnerable, kind, generous and awkward. I have integrity, compassion, passion and fire.

All I have to do is hold onto that thread whilst I fail.

How hard can that be?




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