Not doing the thing I want to do.

 Not doing the thing I want to do. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Not doing the thing I want to do. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

There is some stuff I am not getting done.

I’m a bit frustrated with myself…but I don’t know if this is reasonable.

I can’t quite tell if I am procrastinating or if I am just genuinely busy and can’t keep up with everything or if I am just choosing to do things that refill the well instead of always attacking the next thing on the ever-expanding list I have.

I know the problem.

I still haven’t written the ultimate list of all the things I want to do to get my creative projects up to speed.

Until I write that list I can’t see what I want to do and so I can’t really choose what order to do it.

  1. I wonder how long I’m going to keep not doing the thing I want to do?

I wonder.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 957

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

Will you still love me tomorrow?

 Will you still love me tomorrow? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Will you still love me tomorrow? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m thinking a lot this morning about a scene in a movie I saw when I must have been quite young.

I was maybe 8 years old…or 9 or possibly 10 years old.

In 1984 the first Police Academy film was released and in it there was a scene, I believe, where the song “Will you love me tomorrow” features.

Maybe I saw this film on TV or somewhere around that time I even think video was a possibility.

This song has stayed with me. I remember being very touched by it. It’s a great song written by Carol King and her partner in life and music at the time Gerry Goffin.

But my memory of the song is somewhat clouded by the scene in the movie in which it is featured.

I can’t remember the exact details…but somehow two characters in the film are tricked into visiting a gay bar and for some reason they stay there and end up slow dancing with two leather men in the bar.

I have no idea what I thought at the time. I’m pretty sure it is one of the first times I ever saw two men in a romantic situation. That is, two men being gay.

I have a sense of it being tender and gentle.

But that wasn’t exactly what it was.

It was a scene where two men were forced into being tender and gentle with other men. I didn’t see two gay men dancing together I saw a gay man holding a straight man who was so scared for some reason he couldn’t leave or simply say no he didn’t want to dance.

And that is somewhat confusing.

When I was growing up that is where we were. Being gay was a punchline. A joke. Something no real man wanted to be caught in the arms of. Which is actually progress from it being something that could not be spoken of. Honestly being a joke in a terrible film in the 80’s probably laid the ground work for people being able to talk more openly about sexuality.

I get that.

But I can’t pretend that this is was a particularly good way for me to be exposed to what it might mean to be gay.

I can’t pretend that this movie, or the scene in Fame where the gay character wants to kill himself because he is abomination, or the 60 minutes program demonising gay man in Sydney getting and spreading AIDS around to the community, or the infamous grim reaper Ads of the 80’s that told me every person I slept with would give me AIDS…I can’t pretend that these were particularly good ways for me to learn about love.

But somehow, I did learn about love.

I learnt that love is love.

That didn’t just happen.

People fought, and some died, to make it so that my love doesn’t have to be a repressed secret. Clandestine. Dirty. Hidden. Dark.

To make it possible for me to love who I love.

My solace is that today gay characters are much more common and are much more likely to look and act like real people.

And that’s a good thing.

We’ve got a long way to go.

Growing up gay or lesbian or by or queer or transgender or gender non-conforming in any way is still a tough gig. We have made some ground, but I worry that it is ground that could be easily lost if we allow narrowness and fear and bigotry to lead us in how we view the world.

So, let’s not do that.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 956

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

Letting go of the masculine and the feminine.

 Letting go of the masculine and the feminine. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Letting go of the masculine and the feminine. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’ve got a problem with things being described as masculine and feminine.

That’s a pretty big problem…because almost all of us (including me) is likely to describe the world in these two binaries.

Some people use this as a way of describing what is appropriate male (masculine) behaviour and what is appropriate female (female) behaviour.

Most of us just do it because that’s what everyone does, we don’t even think of it, we don’t see it, it just is.

And some people make a very important, but confusing distinction, when they use these the terms masculine and feminine.

They separate the masculine and feminine from male and female. They say we all have masculine and feminine traits…and it is just more likely that women have been encouraged to express/connect with their feminine traits and men have been encouraged to do the same with their masculine traits.

I don’t feel comfortable with any of these uses of masculine and feminine.

The first two are obvious. I don't think we should police each other’s behaviour based on these unhelpful stereotypes…consciously or not.

It’s the third example that is a bit more problematic.

I understand the theory. I get the idea of it. In essence that a man can be feminine and a woman can be masculine and we should just celebrate that.

The problem I have with this is that when most people hear the sentence…

“To be kind and gentle is a feminine trait and to be strong and bold is a masculine trait”

They hear…

“Women are kind and gentle and men are strong and bold”

And so, in my opinion, this approach is confusing and reinforces the very stereotypes that it is trying to reject.

And it isn’t that hard to fix.

Why can’t we just describe all the different traits that people have as traits that people have? I think giving it a category of masculine or feminine is an extra barrier that is slowing us down. People who identify as male can be kind rather than needing to embrace the feminine quality of kindness. People who identify as female can be bold rather than needing to embrace the masculine quality of boldness.

This reflects my experience of the world. I don’t feel more feminine when I am deeply listening to someone’s experience of the world. I just feel more human.

The same when I am sewing, or speaking up in a meeting, or lifting weights at the gym, or knitting on a tram, or solving a problem, or being assertive, or…whatever.

I just feel like a human. Isn’t that enough?

I think it is time to let go of the masculine vs feminine paradigm.

I just don’t think it is helping.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 955

One finished sock.

 One finished sock. Drawing Luke Hockley.

One finished sock. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I finished my first sock today.

Mum thinks the tension is a bit tight, it ended up being too small for me and I knitted it out of wool that is probably a bit too delicate for making socks out of…it’s perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Exactly what is needed to keep a jar of honey warm.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 954

Riot.

 Riot. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Riot. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Last night we watched a tele-movie on the ABC called Riot.

It is the story of the first Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade held in Sydney.

I couldn’t believe the police brutality, I couldn’t believe how Australian’s condoned prejudice against people they knew, I couldn’t believe the laws that enabled all of this.

I was 2 years old when the first parade happened.

I grew up in this nasty soup. My sense of self was forged with this as a silent, unseen, poisonous background.

In my lifetime so much has changed.

I think I felt the depth of all this when marriage equality became law last year. I realised that I had been living as a second-class person and had completely accepted that…because that’s the way it always was.

We are not there yet.

How men and women view the roles of people with different genders and sexual orientations is the problem.

Watching this film, I felt the power of group action.

I felt emboldened to speak up.

To act out.

To use my voice.

To shake off my passive, comfortable life and say and do things that matter.

Rock the boat.

I’m scared.

But not nearly as frightened as someone who was detained and bashed by the police in 1978 for walking in a legally approved street march.

Forty years later the police march in the Mardi Gras parade. All because men and women were prepared to risk their lives to stand up for what was right.

So, I think I can say and do things that matter.

I think that is the least I can do to say thank you to the people who successfully fought for my right to be me.

The least I can do.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 954

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

An outrageous amount of fun.

 An outrageous amount of fun. Drawing Luke Hockley.

An outrageous amount of fun. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Last night I hung out with some friends and we made a mash up of three ridiculous 80’s power songs.

We had it all.

A loop machine, piano, harmonies and even a flute.

It is ridiculous how much I enjoy making things.

It was an outrageous amount of fun.

Exactly like being a kid.

Why do adults stop doing this stuff?

It makes no sense.

Please tell me if I ever start growing up.

I’d like to put a stop to that as quickly as possible.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 953

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

Where do I look?

 Where do I look? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Where do I look? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

The world is awash with conversations about people and things that I cannot control.

Outrage, chest thumbing, desk whacking, foot stamping.

I’m tempted to join in.

It all makes me so angry.

It is galling. Unjust. Offensive. Dangerous.

It is wrong.

But it is also well outside of my control. Well outside my country even. Outside the politics I can influence.

Joining the chorus just fuels the global circus.

There is plenty to look at in my own back yard. Plenty of things to be outraged about. Plenty of behaviours that need to change in my own politicians. Plenty of injustice. Plenty of offensive and reckless behaviour.

And I get a vote here.

I get to call my local member and have some influence.

Me and my friends have a voice here.

So, where am I going to look?

Love

Luke.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 952

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

I had better make a list.

 I had better make a list. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I had better make a list. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

It is shocking, truly shocking how much more effective I am once I have made a list of all the things I would like to get done.

Given the way I feel right now, how out of control things feel, how overwhelmed I am by possibility, how lacking in focus I feel…

I think I had better make a list.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 951

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

Decision making.

 Decision making. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Decision making. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m trying to cultivate a more decisive approach to making decisions.

I’m good at gathering information, I think that is healthy…but I can get paralysed by options.

How do I change this?

Once I’ve gathered all the information I think I need then I need to know what question I am trying to answer (this can be trickier than it looks) and then trust myself to use the information to answer this question.

The decision making is a weird blend of conscious and subconscious processes. Somethings I need to work out in a spreadsheet and somethings I need to just trust my intuition on.

In the end most big decisions are a leap into the unknown.

I can never really know how things are going to turn out.

At some point I just have to jump.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 950

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

Letting go of something precious.

 Letting go of something precious. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Letting go of something precious. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Yesterday I was sitting on the train on the way back to my parent’s house in the country and I didn’t know what to do.

I was feeling completely out of kilter.

After trying this and that I realised the thing I needed to do was make something with my hands.

Sewing, knitting…it didn’t matter, I just wanted to focus on the process of constructing something.

So, I unzipped my back pack looking for my new sewing bag.

It is perfect, this sewing bag.

My friend Ria hand made it for a start, which means it has some of that magic in it.

But what she made!

Somehow the bag is designed so that the thing you are making sits in it in such a way that means, no matter how you move the bag around, when you open it your precious project is still sitting their neatly folded, ready to be picked up. 

I reached my hand into my back pack to pull it out and…it wasn’t there.

I don’t know where it is.

I’ve retraced my steps and think there are two possibilities.

It is either sitting on the floor of my studio under my desk or somewhere in the public transport system of Victoria.

I called lost property and have to wait 48 hours to hear if they find it.

I’m heading home now and will call in to the studio to see if it is sitting safely on the floor.

Inside that beautiful bag is an almost finished sock, a half-made shirt and a little sewing kit that my Mum made for me.

Last night I noticed how distressed I was about having to face the possibility of letting go of these precious things. I was anxious about it. I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to have it in my hands. Now.

No amount of wishing or anxiety is going to change the location of the bag. It’s either safely somewhere and will be returned to me or it is lost.

I realised last night that feeling anxious about it was not helping and was not good for me.

I realised I could let go of something precious.

I didn’t want to. I didn’t like it.

Letting go wouldn’t change the outcome, but it would change my experience.

So, I let go.

I let go of something precious.

Now I’m waiting to see what happens next.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 949