Crying.

 Crying. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Crying. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m walking down Brunswick Street, its mid-morning and I’m walking away from, or towards my favourite café, I don’t remember which, I have my headphones in and I am listening. A deep, content, inspired and comforted listening. The sky is grey and heavy with rain that has just happened or just about to happen or both and I’m crying.

Not sobbing or weeping. I’m moved, deeply.

Tears welling up and spilling over a little.

I’m back at my high school. Remembering the isolation and discontent of that.

I’m listening to an audio book called Simon versus the Homo Sapiens agenda. Simon is a young gay man, in high school, being pushed out into the world by someone else, he’s not having a good time of it. Some guys decided to mock him in front of his drama class…but that’s not why I’m crying.

I’m crying because Simon’s class mates and his teacher step up and shut down that rubbish. They call the crap out. They make sure there are consequences for homophobia. Bullying someone is not accepted.

I’m crying because I had people stand up for me, not enough – but some. I know how it feels to have people in your corner swinging wildly when you can't raise your arms. When you don't know how to. When you can’t imagine that it’s going to be ok, when you don’t know that things will change, life will get richer.

I’m crying because I never ‘came out’. From very young everyone else told me I was gay, a girl, girly. Which I, of course, rejected. I’m so moved by the book because I can see Simon is growing up in a time and place where he got to define for himself what his sexuality was before anyone else. Someone ‘outed’ him, which is the tragedy of the story, but he was largely comfortable with the idea…just not ready to share it with the world…yet.

It’s a brief moment, no one else notices. Just the wind in my eyes causing them to weep a little. I wipe the tears and savour the strength of my emotions.

I understand a little better why I find injustice and inequity so deeply and profoundly distressing. Why, when I see it, I am prepared to stand in the corner and swing wildly at it.

I understand that now is the time to look up and see who’s standing in the corner on their own.

Time to look up and see who needs me.

Time to walk over and encourage them to hold their head up and take a swing at life.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 897

Stamp Money.
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Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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It brings me joy.

 It brings me joy. Drawing Luke Hockley. 

It brings me joy. Drawing Luke Hockley. 

Dear Self,

When I am in the process of creating something, I feel so alive.

It’s hard to explain.

It’s the same feeling (sort of) whether I am sewing two pieces of fabric together to make a shirt or constructing a photograph and writing the copy for a new theatre piece…

I find it magical that one moment there was nothing there…and the next something has appeared.

It definitely brings me joy.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 896

Stamp Money.
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Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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The joy of doing things.

 The joy of doing things. Drawing by Luke Hockley.

The joy of doing things. Drawing by Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I feel this pressure to do the things I am doing perfectly.

I’ve got a photo shoot today for a new show I am making for the Melbourne Fringe Festival and I am a bit worked up about it.

I’ve got myself all tight and worried about it.

There is no need for that.

How about just enjoying it.

There is a joy in doing the things I am excited about doing.

So, instead of being all worried about it…why not be full of joy?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 895

Stamp Money.
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Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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Done now.

 Done now. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Done now. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m done now.

Sorry, I’d love to tell you all about my day at home cooking, all about the plans I am making for my new show in the Melbourne Fringe Festival, the new shirt I cut out today and the dinner with my friends I just had…

But I’m done, full.

Full stop.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 894

Devotion.

 Devotion. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Devotion. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Daily.

With intention.

A practice.

Repeated.

Generously.

I flourish.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 893

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
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Buttonholes for breakfast.

 Buttonholes for breakfast. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Buttonholes for breakfast. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I sewed a buttonhole before I wrote this letter to you today.

I thought that maybe I was avoiding doing the thing I was meant to be doing…but it wasn’t like that.

What I found happening was that focusing on the buttonhole allowed my thoughts to wander into the question of what this letter might be about today.

I felt less pressured. It was nice.

The thing that came to me was that this week I got some help.

I paid someone to come and do some things for me. It was incredible to have that support. I know it’s simple…but not feeling alone on everything is a pretty powerful thing.

Just a little bit of help can make all the difference.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 892

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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The feeling of being caught.

 The feeling of being caught. Drawing Luke Hockley.

The feeling of being caught. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Yesterday two people unexpectedly held out their arms and caught me.

I find it so easy to focus on all that doesn’t work, the awkward things I do, my clumsiness…that I can miss that beautiful moment where someone catches me.

They offered two gestures of belief in me.

It feels so solid.

For a moment I feel tangible, real.

I’m grateful to have such good people around me.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 891

Stamp Money.
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Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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Jumping off the cliff...

 Jumping off the cliff. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Jumping off the cliff. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I have this sense of discomfort at the moment.

I find myself thinking things like…

“Somethings wrong, I’ve broken insert project name here…no one is interested, it’s not relevant, I’ve changed something, and people don’t like it…”

You get the picture.

My experience is that all my creative projects have swings and round-a-bouts.

Sometimes they are on fire, sometimes they become quiet, sometimes they need me to reignite them…

This morning I woke up and asked myself…why do I feel this sense of foreboding right now? Nothing has really changed…

Then I realised I am in the middle of building something new (I’m putting a new show together for the Melbourne Fringe Festival, or trying to put one together)…I’ve sent out a bunch of emails asking people if they want to be involved and I am in that bit where I wait for them to answer.

It is very easy to pretend that I am comfortable with rejection/failure…and in the abstract, in principle, I totally am.

But in reality?

I think that’s what this heaviness is about. I’ve put myself in a position where people I care about could say ‘no’ to me. Which is totally fine – in principle. I do not realistically expect that everyone can do everything. I understand that things do or don’t line up for a bunch of reasons…that’s logically what I know…but my feelings aren’t that logical.

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of people saying no to me when I put myself out there and make myself vulnerable.

My feelings tell me it’s because no one likes me and my stupid ideas.

I know this makes no sense. I don’t want anyone to do anything that they aren’t really able to do.

I suppose it is just a reminder that when I jump off the cliff and start building that parachute there is a bit where it is all messy and I’m not sure if I am going to make it.

And I find that bit uncomfortable.

The real question is whether I think I have people standing around to catch me at the bottom of the cliff?

Yep. I can see them down there waving at me.

It’s going to be ok.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 890

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

How much?:
Quantity:
Stamp Money
 

I should just be myself, but bigger?

 I should just be myself, but bigger? Drawing Luke Hockley.

I should just be myself, but bigger? Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I recently did this outrageous thing.

I created a page on my website where people can join up to support me by paying me a regular amount of money each month.

In exchange I would keep creating the things I create…the only thing I really promise to do is to tell the people who join up about what’s happening before everyone else.

I didn’t do much with it, I didn’t really promote it, just left it there…and people joined.

Yesterday I sat down with one of them and asked them why? Why did the join? I wanted to know what they expected from me? I wanted to make sure they felt they were getting enough from me in exchange.

This generous, kind person’s answers were continually suprising to me.

They didn’t expect anything…the very word ‘expectation’ didn’t resonate, they had some hopes…they hoped I would keep the Campfire burning, hoped I would continue with my ‘unexpected and rare kindness’, they liked the idea of finding out about my creative projects and having the opportunity to be involved…actually to help me out…if possible. In short, they didn’t really want anything more than anyone who hadn’t joined.

All they wanted was for me to be who I am, keep doing what I am doing. If anything, they just wanted me to feel that I could...

‘…trust your silver boots. Whatever energises and transports you will transform us.’

When I asked them why they became a supporter they said…

“I think what you do is awesome. It’s bought lots of confidence and joy into my life and I can support you. I’m supporting you because you asked.

I feel safe enough to give.

This is one of the most beautiful and inspiring things to give to. You give so much it's a gift for us to be able to give to you.”

Oh my.

I’m used to spending my time writing to you reflecting on all the chinks in my armour. I can feel myself wanting to recoil away from all this glowing feedback.

But I am aware there is another option.

I could accept that some people believe that me doing the things I do in the world is valuable. Valuable to them and to their community.

Valuable enough to support.

Instead of questioning all this I’m going to spend a moment enjoying the feeling of being supported.

I feel like what they were saying is that I should just be myself, but bigger.

My mate Matt said something similar, he said “I think the people who support you just want to see Luke Hockley unleashed”.

That gives me goose bumps.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 889

Obnoxious, offensive and unacceptable.

 Obnoxious, offensive and unacceptable. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Obnoxious, offensive and unacceptable. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self  

Yesterday at the football...(What? Football! Hang on...I can explain, oh whatever...)...a very unlikeable man was sitting behind us. 

He had an incredible vocal ability. He could amplify his voice to such a level that it got serious cut through. He was impossible to ignore.  

Thing is, the way he barracked for his team was just plain bad sports-person-ship. He was really into abusing the other team and not above abusing his own team members, in fact he seemed to enjoy this as much as he did celebrating their wins. 

All of this made him obnoxious, unlikeable, unpleasant.  

But we're at the football.  

He was worst than most...but there isn't much of a case for asking him to be quiet or change his behaviour (even though everyone around him desperately wanted him to stop ruining the game...)...it's the football!

I sat there waiting for him to yell something racist, sexist or homophobic out...

I'd decided that was my line. I was prepared to stand up and tell him that he could barrack however he wanted, be loud and obnoxious, but it was not acceptable for him to say racist, sexist or homophobic things. Full stop. 

And he didn't.  

We moved seats, a few rows behind him, so that he wasn't blasting his dribble in our ears.  

At half time something disturbing happened.  

It seems that he was there with family and friends. A few adults to his right, two 10 year old girls to his left and two young adult men in the row behind him.

At half time he turned to these two young men, who had just come back from getting a drink, and said to them:

"What have you two fellas been up to? Raping and pillaging? Having your way with the ladies?"

Both young guys said very little. I'm pretty sure they were embarrassed by his behaviour in general.

It was gross.

I was very uncomfortable and said...nothing. 

You see, he wasn't yelling it out for the world to hear. It was a semi-private conversation that I was over hearing. It felt like if I said something that he could be rightly angry with me for eavesdropping.  

Excuses, excuses...I think this is the classic thing that men do to excuse themselves from saying the thing they know they want to say but don't feel confident enough to say. 

Did I feel safe enough to say something? Maybe. Probably. But I'm a little unsure about that. I think public humiliation would be pretty high on this fella's triggers. I don't really know what he would have done. And I genuinely didn't feel justified in saying anything because I was "listening in". 

It's all so confusing.  

Did I let the team down or did I just keep myself safe? 

How's this kind of crap going to stop if no one says anything? 

Does getting my head punched in really help the situation? 

More questions than answers on this one.  

Luke.  

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 888

Stamp Money.
from 1.00

Buying some stamp money is a way to say thanks. A way to show your love and appreciation for the things I make and share.

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Quantity:
Stamp Money