Whatever I want.

 Whatever I want. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Whatever I want. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I can do whatever I want today.

Like every day, I guess.

But today, I can see that choice clearly.

And I really hope I use that freedom wisely.

I hope I do something good for the world with the time I have today.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,074

16/11/18

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My attention

 My attention. Drawing Luke Hockley.

My attention. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Intangible.

Smoke like wisps.

No solid place to stand.

To stop.

Habitual, sometimes destructive.

Not under my control.

Controlled by no one but me.

To stop

No solid place to stand.

Smoke like wisps.

Intangible.

Love

Luke.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,073

My hard edges.

 My hard edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

My hard edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

There are spikey parts of me.

Parts that are less pleasant and are very uncomfortable to look at.

I’ve got a hard and sharp edge that will cut you if you come at me the wrong way.

I saw this yesterday in a telephone conversation I had.

My hard edges were in response to someone not being straight with me about something.

I go all quiet and cold. I give nothing away.

Because I’m trying to get my feet back underneath me. Trying to get my bearings. And while I can’t feel my feet and I don’t know which direction is north I don’t want to move.

Truth is I probably just want to run away and hide for a moment. Think about what is going on, formulate a response, but I don’t feel like this is an option. Running away feels like a failure.

But it’s not running away, or failing, it’s just taking some time to think. And I reckon just calmly stating that and doing it is going to be better for everyone.

In yesterday’s conversation I feel like I did slightly better. Ever so slightly better than I have in the past. I had a sense that something was going on and I (a little too late) just asked for some more time to think everything through.

A little progress is better than no progress.

Isn’t it?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,072

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Do this thing completely.

 Do this thing completely. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Do this thing completely. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I find myself continually trying to be finished the activity I am currently doing.

Trying to be anywhere but right here doing this thing.

It is a particularly unhealthy way to be at a computer for me.

How many times will I come back to this lesson?

Do or don’t do.

This thing now. That’s all that there is.

Do this thing completely.

And then, when it is done, do the next thing.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,071

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A week at home.

 A week at home. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A week at home. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I could do with a week at home.

Not doing anything in particular.

Tidying up the edges of life.

Sitting in the sun and having cups of tea.

I had this kind of day yesterday.

One day just isn’t enough.

Maybe two days in a row is what I should be aiming for?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,070

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Life administration.

 Life administration. Drawing Luke Hockley

Life administration. Drawing Luke Hockley

Dear Self,

A pile of paper.

Bills and receipts. The shopping. The washing. Cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming the floor. Cooking.

Did I mention cleaning?

This stuff is critical.

But I can resent it if I am not careful.

When it is done it sets the foundation in place for everything else.

All I have to do is keep my eye on the prize and enjoy each task for what it is.

Easy. Right?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,069

11/11/18

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Luke

This moment.

 This moment. Drawing Luke Hockley.

This moment. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m trying to be everywhere but here.

When I write to you I sit down and check in with where I am up to, so I can talk to you about exactly what is going on, right now.

And what is going on right now is that I am excited about all the different things and am being pulled away from this moment into all those possible moments.

But I am right here.

I can’t be in any of those moments.

I can only be in this moment.

It seems a shame to miss this moment because I am thinking about another moment that might happen.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,068

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A gentle gift.

 A gentle gift. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A gentle gift. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

To make things, with my hands, is a real pleasure.

It’s always been like this.

A gentle, unseen, gift.

An ability that I never really valued.

Until now.

Now, I can see how deeply the knowledge of making things runs.

How important to survival it has been.

How much joy it brings.

A real pleasure.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Day 1,067

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Hitting my mark.

 Hitting my mark. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Hitting my mark. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

When I was dancing there was this moment, this beautiful thing, that would happen that I realise most people wouldn’t know anything about.

It would happen during a performance when the lights were blacked out (in between sections) and you had to enter a pitch-black stage, find your mark (which was usually a tiny glowing dot on a stage full of tiny glowing dots) and take your position so that when the lights and music came on you were ready to dance.

It was an incredible feeling to hit your mark.

Right now, I feel like I’ve had a few days in a row of hitting my mark.

Getting the things done I want to get done in the time frame I want to get them done in. Writing, going to the gym, sewing, meetings, getting to bed, waking up, everything!

I’ve redesigned my weekly schedule to focus my energy a bit more on the things that matter to me. Hitting my mark has partly been about making sure the mark is clear. I think that is why it has been particularly satisfying this week.

It’s not always like this in life. So, I think it is worth celebrating when it happens.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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Day 1,066

Long term friendship.

 Long term friendship. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Long term friendship. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

We went and hung out with one of my oldest friends yesterday.

They have children now and it is amazing to see them through the eyes of two growing humans who love them unconditionally.

But also, to see that they are essentially the same person I have always known and loved.

There are sometimes very long stretches of time between us reconnecting.

And there we still are. Laughing at each other’s jokes and finding joy in the small victories of life. Consolation in its defeats.

Friendship that arcs across a long period of time is beautiful.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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Day 1,065