Me equals lazy cat times ball of energy.

Me equals lazy cat times ball of energy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Me equals lazy cat times ball of energy. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I have simultaneously checked out for the year and gone on holidays whilst maintaining an enthusiasm for the things I am making.

I am both a lazy cat who can’t be bothered doing anything and a bouncing ball of energy that wants to get so many things done.

It’s kind of great.

I’ve given myself a total hall pass from anything that feels too hard and am really enjoying everything else because I’m on holidays (not actually) and therefore what I am doing must be fun.

It is so strange.

If only this was how it was every day.

This is how it should be every day.

This is how it will be every day.

Love

Luke.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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So hot I can’t think.

So hot I can't think. Drawing Luke Hockley.

So hot I can't think. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Last night was so hot I couldn’t really get a good night’s sleep.

I mean I slept…but not till late and then not for very long and not very comfortably.

It makes all my thinking a bit sluggish. Actually, it makes everything I am doing a bit sluggish.

Not a day of profound insights today, unfortunately.

Just keep going.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Great expectations.

Great expectations. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Great expectations. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m feeling the weight of my expectations at the moment.

I think it is because I have a bit of time to focus on my creative projects and that means making choices and I find that a bit overwhelming.

Nothing like some parameters to make me get things done.

I know that I am most productive when I decide on a series of deadlines and then just work to get things done. When it is time to decide what is next, that’s when I get wayward.

Choice can be a bit paralyzing.

I have great expectations of myself and if I have too much time to think about what to do to meet those expectations then things can get all knotted up.

I don’t like it.

I wonder if just picking anything to deliver is better than picking the right thing?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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Where is my drawing hiding?

Dear Self,

Some days when I sit to write to you all I can do is sit here and wonder what interesting picture I can draw.

It happens on days when I don’t have a lot of time.

It’s not really that helpful.

The point of this daily practice isn’t to come up with an entertaining drawing each day, that feels a bit like being a monkey being told to dance by the organ grinder.

I find my drawing is completely unpredictable.

Some days I can draw something that feels like it comes straight from ‘the source’. It represents exactly where I am, it tells the story that is a true reflection of where I am today. Some days it is as if I have never drawn before. The image is terrible, I can’t even bare to look at it let alone publish it.

This isn’t very helpful. I don’t know what to do about it.

With my writing, I don’t find it as difficult to find the thread, but with my drawing it is like it is a mystery that alludes me sometimes.

Where is my drawing hiding?

Love

Luke

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Put down your suit of armour.

Put down your suit of armour. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Put down your suit of armour. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I caught up the other day with a friend and was talking about all my plans for the coming year.

I told her of both my excitement to be making lots of new things and about my fear of being rejected. And how this fear really slows me down.

At the end of the conversation I asked if she had any advice for me. She said:

“Put down your suit of armour Luke. It’s going to be ok.”

She went on to explain that even if the things I make are terrible and no one wants them I am still going to be me and that’s all that matters.

Essentially the message was that at the middle of all this, when you strip away my art practice, money, popularity, everything, at the middle of this is me and I have to know this well enough to not be scared of losing all the other stuff.

It reminds me of a realisation that a student of mine once had for themselves…

“I am enough.”

I think I could do with a bit more of this in my every day.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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Holding it all together.

Holding it all together. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Holding it all together. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m doing a lot of personal planning at the moment. Setting up the coming year.

I keep wanting to get on with things, get busy doing some of this stuff…it feels like it takes too long to do this kind of planning…but it is also very necessary.

It feels like my job is to hold all the threads of these ideas I have together and make sense of them.

Maybe also work out which threads I’m going to let go of so that I don’t end up letting go of all of them because there is just too much to hold.

That’s really what I am working out right now.

How do I choose which to hold and which to let go of?

How much can I do?

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Adding value.

addingvalue_2500_091217.jpg

Dear Self,

My friend Matt once said to me that my great gift in the world is that I am able to add value.

When he said this, it made sense to me. I know what he is talking about, I can feel the rooms we have been in together where I have done this.

Intuitively I get it.

But I also don’t get it.

How is this a thing?

The thing is I can add value in lots of different situations in lots of different ways. What am I doing? I’m asking questions of things, understanding the context in which those things are happening, watching and listening to the people who are saying the things to see if they are making sense to them and then proposing a hypothesis, a guess for what might be going on.

So how do I use this gift as a yardstick for making decisions about how to focus my attention in life.

Because I’m ready to focus my attention.

And I don’t quite know how to do it.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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A union of 2 people.

A union of two people. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A union of two people. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I grew up knowing something was wrong with me.

I was sick.

Abnormal.

Unnatural.

Disgusting.

I learnt very early on that how I felt couldn’t be trusted. That my desires had to be suppressed.

Before I knew anything about who I loved, or what loving someone really meant, the people around me worked hard to help me understand that what I was, was unacceptable to the world I lived in.

They knew they were right because everyone knew they were right.

Even the law agreed.

And then the law changed.

I remember being at a friend’s wedding and hearing that statement that was legally required to be read at their marriage ceremony.

“Marriage means the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.”

I was hurt by it. I have to admit that. I was hurt that my friends would agree to marry when the very act of getting married was condoning this discrimination that was embed in the law of our country.

I don’t blame them. Everyone was doing it. It is how it has always been. I’d never really thought about it before that moment. But when I heard that statement read out loud to a large gathering of loving people and we all just had to accept that is just how it is…I felt affronted. Like a second-class citizen.

Today that changed.

From today onwards when 2 people decide to get married the celebrant will say…

“Marriage means a union of 2 people, to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.”

Something feels different now. I’m relieved.

This feels like an important step in reclaiming myself as normal, natural, loving and accepted.

Finally.

Luke.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
 

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Group survival kit.

Group survival kit. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Group survival kit. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I like my groups to be filled with both men and women, I like them to have clearly defined boundaries and I like them to have a clear leader.

Last night I found myself in a group of men who are meeting with boundaries that (to me) are still being defined and that is led by the group (everyone is the leader rather than one individual holding that role).

In these situations I am holding myself together with bailing twine and paper clips.

I tend to take over. If something happens that makes me feel unsafe in a group then I tend to take default to the facilitator role in order to make myself feel safe.

This year I have really been looking at this behavior. I see it as a strength, of course, sometimes groups need the clarity that I can bring. But sometimes, if someone else is leading or if the group has decided there is no leader and I have chosen to come along knowing that, it is isn’t appropriate for me to do that.

This is when I feel incredibly unsafe.

At these moments I am really left out on a limb naked.

I’ve realised this is so confronting for me because what it requires is that I express how I am feeling as a member of the group and that I then make myself vulnerable to the group because they can decide whether they help meet my need to be safe, or not.

Last night I did a good job of expressing how I felt rather than taking over the group.

That was a big step for me.

I’m very pleased I was able to do it.

Let’s call that progress.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Does anything I do really matter?

Does anything I do really matter. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Does anything I do really matter. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Ok. I get that I am just a speck of dust in the universe and that we are all essential insignificant…I’ve been here before and I understand that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things....and that the condition of being human is to make meaning out of the life we have been given and so in that I can choose to live a life filled with purpose and meaning or one devoid of intention.

I get that.

But on the more every day level. In this life filled with purpose that I am attempting to live, am I having any impact at all? Are my ideas reaching anyone? Who? And how many people? And what did they do in response?

Is anything I have to say worthy of reaching a large audience? And if so…how and where will I find that audience?

How do I get impact on a grander scale?

It’s a mystery.

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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