My fear is that I sit just outside of really talented at anything.
That I’m ok.
While others are gifted and inspiring.
I am afraid that I am destined for a life of mediocre.
I’d really like to be able to see through this. To see this for what it is…
But what is it?
It is a desire to have a natural, technical gift and to have honed that gift to a point of excellence.
What would having this kind of gift mean? What do I think it would give me?
I want to say ‘recognition’, I want to put this desire down to a need to be liked, a need to be celebrated by others…validated, but that’s not it. That’s not what I feel when I think of having this kind of gift.
I feel ‘freedom’. I am searching for the ability to use this ‘gift’ to make things.
At the moment I have music in my head. The ability to create music. To sit at the piano and play and sing, to create something from nothing.
I think I do have a gift. It’s just not so tangible. Which confuses me, I think.
I think I have an ability to look at something and see the fabric of beliefs and ideas and history and story that is making that thing be the way that it is.
Then, I respond to that fabric.
I draw on my creative skills, as they are, to question, to challenge, to reflect…to imagine something new in the hope that we can see the fabric and choose how we want it to look in the future.
It seems like such an intangible gift.
I don’t think that makes it less valuable.
There’s something else.
I’m a dedicated craftsperson. I love learning. I have an ability to hone my skills. Then, when I respond creatively to some insight I’ve had, I have the tools at the ready to create.
The other day, at the gym, a friend said to me they wished they had lean muscle, rather than the bulky kind. I laughed…because they have the kind of body that most people at the gym are desperately looking to have.
I laughed because humans tend to do this. Or, at least, I certainly do this.
I look at the world and find the opposite of what I have and decide that that, that thing that I am not, is the most desirable thing to be in the world.
That if I only had that, then I would be happier and more creative and more special and unique and…everything, you know?
This is crap, though.
Really, it is crap.
The people I admire become distinct and interesting and beautiful because they take exactly what they have and amplify that.
Spending energy on a desire to be something else is a way of avoiding doing the work it takes to amplify what I’ve got.
It may also be a way of avoiding taking the risk of being seen, really seen, for what I am.
This is where it comes back to external validation.
My experience is that people living in their ‘gift’, whatever that may be, are not liked by everyone. Being liked by everyone is impossible and unlikely. The pursuit of this dubious goals is also likely to induce a kind of ‘mediocre’ that stifles things.
The unconscious goal of being liked by everyone is incredibly unhelpful to me.
Accepting…no, embracing, that the stuff I make will appeal to the people it is meant to appeal to, that’s where the gold is.
It frees me up.
To use my gifts.
To do something.
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