I’m avoiding you.

I'm avoiding you. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I'm avoiding you. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m avoiding you.

I’m in a messy, reorganizing myself bit and I am avoiding showing that to you.

I think it is because I am aware that people ‘out there’ can read these letters that I write to you…and I want them to think I am really very sorted and know what I am doing.

I don’t know what I am doing. And I feel like that must get boring to listen to.

I’m bored of hearing myself say it.

It’s just money. That’s the only problem.

Money and time, I suppose.

I know what I want to do but I’m not sure I can survive doing it.

Also, I have those ‘artist’ questions going on.

Why should I be able to do the thing I love doing and make money from it? What makes the things I do valuable to anyone but me? Shouldn’t I get a real job and make things on the side? What gives me the right to such a self-indulgent life?

Oh, my.

I didn’t even know that shit was hanging around.

I thought I was beyond that.

I thought I had gotten clear how valuable the things I do are to people…because I see the transformation in them when they experience them. I see people come into themselves and then begin to share more of who they are with the world. I believe our world is broken because we don’t really see ourselves and the people around us.

That’s all clear.

Now make money.

That’s when I start to get all wobbly.

People will pay so much money for things that don’t feed them in this way, for stuff that gathers dust or experiences that don't reflect their true values.

Will they pay someone to help them be with others and to see themselves more clearly?

I don’t know. That’s the problem.

Luke

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A messy place.

A messy place. Drawing Luke Hockley.

A messy place. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Things are almost clear…but not quite.

That’s a very messy place to be for me.

I almost feel like I can see the next pathway to forge along…but I am questioning it still which means I don’t quite commit which means I become indecisive which means I keep going around in circles which means I don't know how to even finish a simple sentence…

What have I learnt about myself and this phase of creating?

Just pick something and commit to it.

Anything will do. I just need some traction to stop my wheels spinning in the mud.

There is nothing a few solid deadlines won’t fix.

Love

Luke

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Gone fishing.

Gone fishing. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Gone fishing. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I need a day off today.

If anyone asks I have gone fishing.

Love

Luke

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I can do most anything.

I can do most anything. Drawing Luke Hockley.

I can do most anything. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I can do most anything if I understand why.

If I don’t understand why then I easily get lost. I become fatigued. I lose motivation. I am disengaged and unmotivated.

Sometimes I know why but I can’t put why into words. In fact in the beginning of new adventures that can often be the case…and that’s quite distressing for someone who wants to know why before they do anything. At these times I have to leap anyhow. Leaping into a new thing and working out why as I go is how I discover new lands. Otherwise I only do things I am used to doing.

There comes a point, after I’ve been out in the wilderness for a while, where I need to regroup and work out what all of the new things I am discovering mean and how those new things relate to what I am trying to get done in the world. Then the why that has been hiding there all along will often reveal itself.

Some days I am right on the money. I hit the right path and nailed the thing. Some days I don’t. The thing was nearly the thing but it was in the wrong order, or slightly off target in some way or not the thing at all.

Then it is time to recalibrate, reset the thing, build upon the accumulated knowledge and try again.

That’s where I am now.

At the start of the year I leapt out into this goal of creating a community around me who would support me to make things that make the world a better place.

I’ve done lots of experiments and now I know a bunch of stuff…and it is time to sort and discard and do the next push.

It all feels a bit overwhelming and scary…but right, so it’s time to suck it up and just get on with it.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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Rest, recover, regenerate.

Rest, recover, regenerate. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Rest, recover, regenerate. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

I’m struggling to reset after having peaked over the last few weeks.

I’m stuck between having a rest and forging on, unclear about how to use my time so that I don’t waste it, but also not pushing through when I need a rest.

I don’t like anything I am creating at the moment, so that is a clue I need a break!

I think that’s all I have for today.

Worst letter ever.

Luke

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Clinging to the edges.

Clinging to the edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Clinging to the edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

After my week away in Sydney I find myself desperately clinging to the frayed edges of my routines.

I’m only just making it back into things. Finding it very hard to get up and write to you, hard to hit the studio, the gym, difficult to turn up to the things that need to be done…

I need to set the next goals in place, get focused on where I am heading. I also need to do a big clean out (of digital and actual stuff). Without all of this done it is the sheer habit of having turned up 708 days previously that makes writing to you possible.

I hope this all settles soon.

Love

Luke

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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The kitchen window sill.

The kitchen widow sill. Drawing Luke Hockley.

The kitchen widow sill. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Our kitchen window sill has a continual cycle of the charming things that make life feel special.

At the moment, there are some cuttings that are creating roots for themselves, a cactus that we are taking care of for a friend, various small tea light candles, a blueberry plant that is awaiting a cool day for planting, a random milk jug, two small cups and a lovely little tea pot.

These things change slowly over time, somewhat of a mystery to me when and why and how they change, but it’s always pleasant to catch up with the latest happenings on our kitchen window sill.

Love

Luke

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Turn the tap on.

Turn the tap on. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Turn the tap on. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

Today is a day to turn the tap on and refill the well.

Love

Luke

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What’s my next move?

whatsmynextmove_2500_131117.jpg

Dear Self,

Sometimes I get a little myopically focused on the current moves and then I get to the end of that set of moves and I haven’t thought at all about the next moves.

I have just got back from touring Dear Self – Friendship to my friend’s lounge room in Sydney and a week doing a dance theatre workshop and the first ever Sydney Campfire and I know there is so much I’d like to do…and I have had vague thoughts about it but I don’t have the next thing to look towards…and I feel at risk of wasting time because I don’t have a clear focus.

I think the trick for me will be to properly defrag and pack away all that learning. My temptation is to just keep leaping, which is fine, but a little bit of tidying up the bits and pieces, packing things away, understanding what those moves all meant will also give me time to refocus on what I did all those moves for and then I think the next moves will emerge.

Truth be told I’m probably ready for a day off.

Luke.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

 

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Confidently visiting my edges.

Confidently visiting my edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Confidently visiting my edges. Drawing Luke Hockley.

Dear Self,

As a performer, I have noticed a few things about myself.

I want the teacher to like me.

I want my colleagues to praise me.

I want to get it right, straight away, every time.

When I don’t get it right I give up, go all floppy take a moment to reset and then come back with force.

The same thing happens when something gets physically hard. I don’t like being in physical discomfort.

I want to get rid of the giving up and going all floppy bit. I want to be able to sustain myself through that bit. Stay with myself failing at this thing. Dig deeper into it.

I am now on the other side of a workshop with Force Majeure called Incite, which was led by Danielle Micich and Ellen Lauren.

I am deeply grateful to have been given the chance to so kindly visit my edges. I have the raw material to work with. I feel ready to examine these questions.

But, also, I am a little concerned about myself.

I’m a little worried that I have lost the threads of what makes me a great performer. Before the workshop I was becoming more and more confident in my ability to be a human in front of other humans and share my truth.

Now I am questioning whether I have ever been able to do this at all because my Achilles heel has become so obvious to me. I thought I had dealt with this ‘seeking approval from the audience’ thing, it seems I had only dealt with part of it.

My concern is that I don’t want to lose all the good work I have done to date by becoming laser focused on my weaknesses.

How do I visit my edges without becoming obsessed with my deficiencies?

I want to be a sponge, available to feedback and information that makes me a better performer whilst holding on to my audacious belief that what I do is already powerful and has impact and is meaningful and in its own way is enough…until I choose to find more in it.

At the moment when I visit one of my edges I lose the thread of my strength.

I want to hold the thread of my strengths as I fail and rebuild and grow and change.

When I perform I am vulnerable, kind, generous and awkward. I have integrity, compassion, passion and fire.

All I have to do is hold onto that thread whilst I fail.

How hard can that be?

Love

Luke

Luke 

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

 

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